WARNING: EXTREMELY LONG, WORDY AND OVERLY-INTROSPECTIVE POST AHEAD.
(I didn't post Tuesday or Wednesday, apparently I'm making up for lost time.)
I've been blocked lately.
When I first started this blog (Happy 1 Year and 9 Day Anniversary, Blog!) it was to impart my personal thoughts on stuff (and show you stuff I made because I enjoy attention), but I seem to have been relying more and more on "Hey, here's a video to distract you from my lack of ideas" just lately.
I think I'm just tired, and it's 99% because of my job.
Now I am not one to complain (quit laughing, you - yes you, I can see you in the back there!). I realize that my problems are not large, and are not real problems when compared to the rest of the world and all its miseries.
But they are *my* problems, and so I'm a little closer to them. It's the best defense I can give for bitching at all.
I just find myself more and more dissatisfied with my work life. I am profoundly grateful that I even *have* a job in this economy, granted, but still...
It's not what I want to do the rest of my life.
I don't want to do a 50-mile commute forever, to come to an office and do things that don't really matter. I push paper (well, I input info - it's the modern age, after all). I tell people where to sign/how to submit their required info. It's absolutely without any purpose or meaning.
I look at people who are out there doing stuff that matters, and I realize that I'm not among them. I don't bring anything to the table... I'm just sort of here.
Now of course, there are a lot of pros to my job. Security is first and foremost - being a "Certified State Employee" means that I'm pretty safe from being laid off. Plus there are the fringe benefits... discounts on my cell phone, a window and an office, super-fast internet I can use if I'm reasonable about time spent...
It's not a bad gig.
I think I would feel better about it if I could get a break now and again, but what I'm finding more and more is that most of the people in my department have no idea what I do, and couldn't replicate it if I disappeared for awhile. This has come much more into the full light of day with the advent of the Now-Famous Expense System. I am responsible for a huge portion of this system, and there is *nobody* who would be able to do it if I were to leave for a week. This means if I ever get to take a break, it will have to be scheduled to within an inch of its little life, or I'll have to pay for my time off with a staggering amount of work upon my return.
I realize I'm not alone in this situation... I'm fully aware of it, in fact. I'm really just feeling sorry for myself because I wish I was in a Big Green Van right now, and not sitting in my office.
I'm allowed a little pity party once in awhile, right?
ANYWAY, back to my original thought... writing this blog about me again.
On the way home last night it occurred to me that on my long (but often stunningly gorgeous) commute, I have some of the most bizarre trains of thought. I (safely, I assure you) wrote some down yesterday as I drove, which I'm going to share with you because I know how much you love to see my crazy up close and personal.
This is exactly how it looked, written on the back of an envelope with my favorite "This Pen Stolen From Geeks Who Drink" pen:
I'll interpret, since I was writing this VERY quickly at red lights and stop signs and while waiting for The Kid to come out of school.
Blog Post Blockage
*Things in my head... the commute's beauty. (Tired of work, boring. NOT LIFE.)
Work vs. Life.*
This was pretty much all afternoon/evening yesterday, as I have exhaustively narrated above.
I do have to say that since learning a few non-highway backroads into Boulder from my house, the commute has been a lot more enjoyable.
*PMS & Music/Otherwise too scary*
I'm not even sure what the "otherwise too scary" bit is (see, even when I write it down I forget - maybe it was something about music soothing the savage beast!), but I do know that I'm probably more emotionally-charged about all this right now because of my feminine issues.
- private posts
- live journal
- I know he reads (oh hi there!)*
TR is off on his travels, and I miss him. I talk to him every day and he tells me amusing stories and makes me laugh so I'm good, but I'll be glad when he's back.
I wrote it down because I was thinking about him, but also because he & I had talked earlier and he mentioned he'd noticed my lack of posting.
I really really like that he reads my blog.
I have a hard time really thoroughly describing my thoughts in any way but the written (well, typed) word, and I'm sure sometimes I come off kind of dopey and scattered in conversation - I like that he can see how my brain works in a clearer manner here in print.
I don't censor myself because of it, but I don't get *too* introspective (HAHAHAHA YES I DO) either, for the benefit of all and sundry. I save the diary-type stuff that nobody should have to be subjected to in odd little posts that I don't publish mainly because this isn't Live Journal (not that you'd know it from today's post) and which often are just me having a moment.
I keep them around, because I like to look back and see if I've grown past any of my issues, which I'm happy to report I have! Go me and stuff!
*Writing for me vs. to entertain = entertaining?*
I do try to keep you, my faithful readers, amused. But I think I've been moving away from writing from my own perspective, and have been instead struggling to find amusing things to keep you interested and engaged.
But maybe I'm entertaining enough on my own... Lord knows today's post is just CHOCK FULL OF FUNNY.
This lead to me wondering about what I could write about then, where my ideas would come from if Vimeo were to suddenly shut down and leave me with only my own brain to work with.
*Subjects - things in my head.
- How songs make me feel/rap-ambient-sad-atmospheric/wishing for a particular song/soundtracks of our lives/headphones vs. boomboxes vs. open car windows
- Guilty pleasures*
I mentioned I was driving my car, and i had my iPod running in one ear since, though it's not exactly recommendable, is safer than me flipping through my CDs while driving. It's a Shuffle, which is good because it keeps me interested, but bad because sometimes I have to cycle through about 50 songs before I find one to suit my mood.
This got me thinking about music and the individual, and its ability to affect us all so differently. It can evoke so many emotions and responses, and shuffling from song to song is a bit schizophrenic.
I go from "urban" stuff (my note said "rap", but I'm thinkin more of urban-inspired beats, stuff that makes you bop your head and talk along with the flow, like Beck and Gorillaz), to ambient/atmospheric stuff (which makes me feel like doing nothing more than admiring the cloud formations, my favorite Imogen Heap confections and most of what's on TR's compilation for Burning Man come to mind).
Then something old and silly will come on (oh hello, Mr. Reed) and I'll feel nostalgic, which will be followed by a vision of myself in a smoky dive, the muse of Leonard Cohen 30 years ago.
Schizophrenic, I tell you. It's like all these different people inhabit our heads, the us of old, the us of now, the us we wish we were...
Music is magic that way.
For me, the lyrics that go along with a particular song can sometimes seem preordained to fit with that situation, but of course they can also direct one's mood...
This is why I turn The Smiths *off* when I'm down in the dumps. Nothing like feeding the fire, ya know?
Then I started thinking about how it's all internal, these feeling that accompany each song, more so in today's world because of all our personal music devices.
It stresses the appeal of live shows, where you can share that mood with others - it makes for such a more solidly real-world experience, rather than having it be in your own head all the time.
I also wonder if this isn't the motivation behind rolling down our windows and cranking it up on a sunny summer day - it's the modern boom box. I know there have been a few times where I've found myself doing so because some really loud Journey song comes on and I want to throw out a line, maybe find a kindred soul out there on the road to share 3 seconds of recognition with me.
Don't even tell me you don't like "Don't Stop Believing", because everybody does, they just don't want to admit it.
And there's another topic for you...
Guilty pleasures, specifically when it comes to music.
I have a friend, who shall remain nameless, who when faced with the prospect of her crush scrolling through her iPod playlist to find her music influences first hurriedly removed several albums, including a few by the illustrious Hanson.
But why the guilt? She loves Hanson. She shouldn't have to fear being mocked for her admiration of them, just as I should be able to blast my favorite Justin Timberlake songs (there I said it).
Finally, on my bizarro envelope list, are a few random bits of stuff...
* Stupid light in my car*
The TPMS light is on in my car for no apparent reason. I'm too lazy to go get it taken care of, so there it sits, annoying me.
* I'm OK With Easy*
I play Guitar Hero on easy, and I'm okay with that... I saw a tshirt somewhere once, and wanted to find it again and share it with you, which led to...
* Snorgle Tees*
Snorg Tees (mistakenly remembered as "Snorgle Tees", which is funnier) offers an amusing bunch of geek-centric/pop culture shirts, and I really want a few... mostly I just wanted to remember to tell you about them!
This one's my fave today:
*Hey Pretty Baby*
I love this song... I wanted to use it to illustrate how music can affect everyone differently. I bet if you listen to it, you won't think of your 3-week old baby, to whom you sang the chorus, and then subsequently of your favorite Scotsman, who reminded you of how much you loved the artist herself so long ago and introduced you to more of her music. It's an entirely individual response.
Alright, that's enough out of me for one day... if you made it through this whole post you...
a) Are exceedingly patient - or at least bored enough to want to read my brain dump.
b) Have to pee now because it took an hour to slog through it all.
c) Know more about me than you did an hour ago.
d) Hopefully don't think I'm too insane.
e) Even if you do think I'm insane, you still like me.
Have a wonderful weekend; I'll be working on finishing a book, finishing a dragon, starting a new crochet project (a cool birthday present for the fabulous Elise that I think she'll dig), talking to TR while he's meandering, going to a birthday party for Ms. Nova and her kiddos and playing a lot of Lego Indiana Jones, my new favorite thing.