Friday, July 14, 2017

Nobody Will Read This, and That's OK

Dear Facebook:

I hate your "On This Day" feature. So, so much.

When attempting to get over a breakup, for example, even blocking said former person (TR) from your feed doesn't help.

And inevitably, the clever blog post you shared about your first date will pop up.

That really blows.

On the other hand, it did lead me back here, to my long-neglected blog. And as always, I'm writing this just for me, but if you happen upon it - hi howareya.

So since my last update, I did indeed go back to school. I'm nearly done with my bachelor's at last.

The Kid is now 21, and a senior in college herself. She has a steady boyfriend she'll probably marry, and plans to move away to New York - we're both ready.

I got broken up with by TR. It was really, really, REALLY rough. But in the end, it was good.

I met a new guy, Chad - note that this is his actual name, because he's not a weirdo who gets embarrassed by me. (One of the many things I now know TR was all about.) Chad is tall, and handsome, and also married (mostly) to Sara. He's poly, so is she, and so am I as it turns out. I always wondered if it was something I could do and be comfortable with, and it turns out yep, works for me! As with all things, it takes the right combination of timing and people.

Chad has been really healing for me, not because I needed him to be, just because. His calm, his kindness, his total lack of artifice or embarrassment - it's so refreshing. On our first real date I accidentally made a loud noise during a quiet part of the movie (the cup holder was deeper than expected, and my can dropped). I turned to him, aghast, expecting a reprimand - he was smiling as I said "oh god I scared myself," and we laughed about it later. It was no big deal to him, because it was no big deal.

To TR it would have been horrific, and I would have heard about it for days.

One day, when I found myself feeling feelings, I got up the courage to tell Chad about how I was feeling. He told me I was awesome, and beautiful, and that everything was ok. He didn't try to fix it, or tell me how to solve it, just gave comfort and hugs when I saw him again.

TR would have told me he didn't have time for that, or that he didn't want to talk about it. At best he would offered solutions, which is great, but any contrariness to those solutions would have been met with "well, you can do what you want, but..." (in other words, "well go be an idiot then, but don't say I didn't warn you").

TR was kind of a poop. He was often kind, and always tried his best, but after 8 years he couldn't try anymore I guess.

The biggest problem was me - I was so determined to make it work that I sacrificed so much. He didn't ask me to, but I wanted things to work out. I believed that if I put enough effort in, it would pay off.

I won't say this never works, but I will say that with Chad it has been like falling off a log. He is amazing, and I'm a little bit in love - who wouldn't be? He eats my cooking with fervor, tells me I'm gorgeous every day, and never makes me sit on the phone with him (we have literally never talked on the phone). This might sound weird, but to us it's perfect. I hate floundering on the phone, and I always have.

TR would talk endlessly on the phone. Like, for hours. I always said he'd make a good teacher, and I meant it. His ability to orate is beyond compare, and his knowledge base is endless - but I never got used to being talked at.

Really, what I'm realizing is that I never got comfortable with him, because he never got comfortable with me. In 8 years, I never once farted in front of him - I was terrified he'd think I was low class or something. In 8 years, I struggled to say even the simplest of emotional things to him, because he would get this pained look and change the subject.

In 4 months with Chad, I've gotten comfortable enough to be able to laugh during (vigorous, mind-blowing) sex. I told him I think he's amazing, and he said "so are you!" I revealed my weaknesses, and was met with support and comfort.

Is that how people act? Was TR just that odd?

Who knows.

I'm mostly over him, I think. For a while we tried to be friends, at his request, but then he dropped off the face of the earth. I go days without even thinking of him now - except when Facebook lurks.

OK enough rambling for one day. Signing off. Maybe for good, maybe til' later, but suffice it to say...

I'm pretty happy today. And that rocks. Thanks Chad for being the sweetest, most understanding, sexiest man I could have possible wished for. I kinda love you a bit, but you knew that.

Mimi out.