F-Word Friday: Foregone Conclusion

A little whining today, my apologies in advance.

So I never went to college.

I wanted to (I wanted to be a teacher - Art or English), and it almost happened, but various circumstances joined forces and it just didn't work out that way (though my mom tried her damndest).

It always felt like such a loss. Today's word (okay, phrase) is "foregone conclusion" and that's just what college was for me! It was never a "maybe I'll go" sort of thing. I would no sooner have considered not going than I would have considered not going to high school after 8th grade.

I even got in to the college of my choice, with early acceptance and everything! Problem was the financial aid wasn't available, and we didn't find out until it was too late.

I was packing and everything, planning how my room would look.

Truthfully I don't think I've ever gotten over it really, and so every year on Graduation Day here at the College, I feel really...

Jealous.

I want to be walking with my friends and family, hair did, nails did, all gussied up in cap and gown down to the stadium, and hear them hoot & holler when it's my turn.

I want to be on the stage, having my name called and being handed a seal-decorated vinyl-covered scrapbook cover with a placeholder page inside.

Most importantly, I want to be doing something I enjoy, not just something for which I qualified. I could be a student forever, take it all the way to PhD even. Damn the student loans, full speed ahead!

They say it's never too late, but sometimes I wonder. How could I pull it off now? I have a mortgage, a car payment, a kid to finish raising.

I've often thought about chucking it all after The Kid heads off to college (or whatever - the Air Force, culinary school, massage therapist college... SOMETHING). Once she's settled in her own life, maybe I could sell the house, get student loans and go back to school full time.

But could I do it?

Could I give up what, at that point, will be 20 years of working and slaving, give up my house and any semblance of an adult life, and go back to being flat broke (well, flat broke-er), all based on the idea that if I get a degree in something I'll be happier?

Has comfort made me complacent?

I do alright now... my options are fewer, sure, but I'm in a good, solid job, I make at least enough to keep food on the table and let my kid do a sport and learn an instrument...

I'm kind of set right?

So why the longing?

Maybe it's just that I still feel the sting of missed opportunity. Who knows.

Eh, sorry for the maudlin post today... like I said, it's Graduation Day 'round these parts. It's hard to keep your head in the sand when it's all around you!

Here, I'll get the tiny violins out. You play em', I'll weep quietly in a corner.

This weekend... swimming, drinks with a friend, a quick birthday sewing project and a roller derby bout with TR & The Kid (which sounds like BJ & The Bear when I say it in my head). Two of the top teams in the country are playing, and it's a "friends and family only" event, to which we were invited since we are so cool (ok fine, AND because it's good for the Punks to see this stuff in action).

Have a lovely weekend!