Week One: The Reckoning
Now I realize, I brought this on myself. Me and my need for pieces paper saying I has the smarts.
And you know I'm exaggerating.
As predicted, after the first week (was that really just one week?) I am feeling much more calm about the whole thing. Work is going along well so far, I got a compliment from my writing teacher (I'm a leader in the Discussions-capital-D... a LEADER dammit!), and it's been fun chatting back and forth with my fellow attendees. Some of them are very young, some are inexperienced but earnest, some are old farts like I am. The point is they're all really participating, and though this makes for a f!!!load of emails (pardon the swear - Lily Allen is running around in my brain today) to check every day, it also makes me feel better because I'm not alone, and I know it. If I really needed math help, I could ask for it.
I'm just too stubborn.
Another cinematic offering?
A Tale Of Parental Worry Gone Awry
So this Derby thing is stressing me out, and in turn The Kid. I really try to be hands-off, I DO, but it's so hard to watch the coaches keep having to pull her aside. I don't care if she's tops, I really don't, I just want her to keep up! I think she thought this would be an easy sport and honestly, so did I... not easy as in "it won't make you sweat or work hard" but easy as in "learn it, do it, play it". And she is having such a hard time learning these last few things for the skills test, which she has to pass or she can't be on the team.
She is trying, I know that (and told her so - also that I'm proud of her because I sure as hell couldn't do what she does). I just really hate seeing her be left out. She's so good when they're in-game, but the skills test is keeping her back.
I know on the surface it must seem like "Chill, girl, it's only a game!", but it's like watching her fall behind, watching her have such a hard time and be left behind, brings back all the helpless feelings of "how can I help her" that I felt when she was struggling in school. I couldn't afford tutors then, and I can't afford better skates/more time now. It makes me feel like a failure as a parent somehow, which yes I know is WAY overdramatic... but I have a feeling some of you parents know what I mean.
I've been dropping her off at practice, then picking her up afterward, because I'm stressing her out and we both know it, but then I get the stink eye from the coaches, and I missed her getting to be lead jammer - and scoring! - twice now... this of course makes me mad because her coaches are telling her she's not doing things right... so then how did she make lead jammer twice then?! Is she good at this or isn't she?
I can't even have her practice more, at least not reasonably. Do I consign more of my limited time to driving her down to the nearest skate rink, which is 25 miles away? I guess I'll have to, I mean how else can she practice? But she'll be practicing alone because everyone else lives down in Denver and goes to Littleton. I'm not driving to Littleton, I'm sorry... that's 46 miles away.
But of course, having said that, I got her into it, so doesn't that mean I'd better commit to doing whatever is necessary?
It's supposed to be fun, but it's devolving. What do I do? How can I help her without being overbearing?
Should I help her, or should I leave her be? I tried asking her coaches what they suggested, and their only answer was "she needs to skate more".
I am carrying all this guilt... I was the one who suggested this whole thing, and got her all excited. What happens if she can't pass the skills test? What happens if she never gets to do more than go to practice and watch all the other girls get to be part of the team?
Sometimes I think I am not cut out to be a parent.