Crazy Lazy Hazy Days of Christmas

Sorry I've been slacking... Christmas, guys. It's insanity.

So this year I made approximately 16 dozen cookies. TR's Favorite Oatmeal, shortbread press cookies, plus chocolate chip for The Kid's grampa (special request). Oh then there was Reindeer Food, aka Puppy Chow, aka Reindeer Poop which everyone misheard the first one as/thought was funnier than "food."

I made a lot of goodies. They were my gifts this year, which was kind of cheap but it was that kind of year - and nobody objected.

I did manage to make some Kraft Krazy happen, though, including my new favorite thing - the 2 Hour Cowl. It's a simple one, just a 7-8 rows of double crochet, pick your yarn and go. I can finish one in a day between two bus rides, and I seriously considered creating an Etsy shop around them (I'm still thinking of it actually). I also finished a very cute dragon, plus a pair of mittens I started last year (color work is not my strong suit).

The rest, though, was either cookies or store-bought. I kept saying "oh next year will be better," but you know what? This year was pretty awesome. Despite the lack of several loved ones TR, The Kid, and I all wished were there, we had a great Christmas. I made my egg souffle (though it was a pain this year), we ate all the things, we all loved our gifts (I was extremely spoiled - a fancy haircut, a coat, and a MOTHERF***IN KITCHENAID MIXER Y'ALL), we watched The Hobbit which I saw almost all of (why do I fall asleep at the movies??), and had delicious Chinese food for dinner. Nobody argued, there was no family strife... it was lovely.

I would like to draw your attention to my all-caps excitement up there, though.

This was in a big red-and-white-striped box under our tree (well, near it - we have a tiny tree) since Thanksgiving, mocking me with its mysteries.

This was courtesy of The Kid and her Colorado grandparents. There was a lot of speculation as to the contents of The Box, including rocks, clay tablets, and a full size bust of either Lionel Richie or Sam the Eagle.

Hello, Sam.

I decided I would really love a bust of Sam the Eagle, and so the mixer has been named. It needs a decal or something, but not yet - it's still new and shiny.

In fact it's still in the box.

I'm going to take it out this weekend and make pizza dough. GLORY UNTO THE MIXER.

I hope your holiday was lovely and quiet, whatever holiday it was. Now on to 2013! The Mayan Apocalypse didn't get us, but I can just feel the world's triskaidekaphobics rallying their troops.

Snow

We had our first snow before Halloween; it seemed like it might be a year for bumper-crop snow. Everyone drove like assholes or took the bus (or both - thanks bus drivers) and lamented how their car was no doubt going to end up by the time May rolled around.

Then it was 70 for about 3 weeks solid. In November. Cries of climate change rang through the halls and everyone wondered where the snow was, rending clothes and tearing at hair at the thought of how little snowpack was to be found in the usual neck-deep mountains.

Today? Today it snowed exactly one inch. This apparently was enough to freak everyone out, to cause accidents and elicit sobs of "oh god Winter AGAIN!".

We are never happy, are we!

Thankfully this year I get to take the bus (at least the asshole driver in that case is effective, and I can just sit back and watch). Daughter has taken up driving, and though she doesn't care for snow driving (or night driving, or highway driving, or driving in rain) she'll do it anyway since it's a quick trip to the bus stop and school. Besides, our side of town doesn't get as much snow as the other side does, and even that side is nothing compared to Boulder. The mountains make for strange weather layers.

Long story short...

It snowed today. Just in time for Christmas! Hopefully it will stick around a little bit.

Or it might be sunny and 60 by Sunday.

One never knows around here.

Happy Wednesday!

Great Ideas

You know I have the best ideas for blogs when I'm on the bus.

Driving along, looking out the window, listening to ponderous music... there are deep thoughts.

Unfortunately I don't remember them later. It's too bad there's not some sort of mental uplink app, though on second thought it's really a very good thing there isn't or you would hear some really weird shit.

Like the idea that the Pink Floyd song "Learning to Fly" was a psychic connection to TR when I was 10 and he was 15. I was weirdly obsessed with that song and never knew why, then learned much later in life that he was learning to fly. Is this a real thing? Obviously not (well you never know) but these are the things that go through my head.

It's like a mental version of the "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" books. We've explored this before (I was going to start a band and thought better of it), the way my mind works.

I'll start thinking of love at first site, for example, and begin considering the first moments with the few boys and men I've loved (or thought I loved) in my life. Like August, who looked just like the very young and unknown Christian Bale in Empire of the Sun, and who was the first boy ever to be casually cruel to my heartstrings. Like PJ, who stole my heart with his smarts but turned out to be a very confusing person in general, and who caused me much distress. Like Carlos, who I never really knew at all but who I will always love just a tiny bit. Like Greg, who was the first to truly, deeply break my heart.

Then I'll start thinking about the one I actually married, who I never even liked very much. I don't regret him though because of The Kid. She was why I was with him.

And now, in my twilight years (no not really though sometimes it feels like it) I seem to have finally found that one dude who I can I honestly say I know well enough to love. And I do love him, not in a girly fluffy way (though he still has the power to give me butterflies) but in a real, lasting, trust-based, enduring way.

Also he's pretty hot.

Especially in a tux.

I love being a grownup sometimes. Sometimes I hate it, like when I feel helpless even though I'm supposed to be an adult, or broke even though I'm practically 40, but sometimes I love it.

I'm going to be an excellently badass old lady.

In My Mind And Yours

Sometimes you stumble across something that so perfectly fits, that so flows with and not against you, that you can't help but want to share and say "Look! Look what I found!" - even though you know that people might look at you funny.

Yesterday whilst perusing The Bloggess's site I came upon her post about Amanda Palmer (she of the fabulous eyebrows and even better husband) and a song which she referred to as something that helped her, and others with anxiety.

Here's the thing, y'all. I'm really really anxious. Pretty much all the time. I worry about everything, all the time - that I'll do the wrong thing, that I've already done the wrong thing, that I'll forget something, that I'm sick, that I'm not sick enough to feel sick, whatever. I worry.

I still look for things that have been lost.

I still hope each day that I'll get it right.

That's why I wrote my little missive. I'm tired of feeling like that, yet I can't get past it easily. I wonder who will be disappointed in me even as I'm saying "Fuck em' if they don't like it." I worry that I'll lose what's meaningful to me even as I'm saying "It's just stuff/they can take me or leave me."

I know I'm not alone in this, but it can be so overwhelming sometimes.

Anyway, this is not a "poor me" post in any way - I'm actually feeling really good today despite beating myself up over my failed attempt at daily blogging and making the cookies I meant to make last night.

This post is, instead, to share with you this wonderful song, which I'm almost certain Amanda Palmer wrote about me. And you. And everyone. The fact that it does not in any way say "oh everything's okay now forevermore," but rather says "I'm who I want to be, but am I? And who is that anyway? But like she says at the end... "Fuck Yes! I'm exactly who I want to be!" It perfectly illustrates the round and round that can happen inside our messed up little heads. Maybe she didn't quite mean it that way, maybe for her she really reached a conclusion and stuck with it (she is Amanda Fucking Palmer after all), but that's how I grabbed it.

Those "fuck yes" moments make it all okay for a little while. And that's better than never ever.

In my mind
In a future five years from now
I'm one hundred and twenty pounds
And I never get hung over
Because I will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I'm in
And I will be someone I admire
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I am not exactly the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
In the faraway here and now
I've become in control somehow
And I never lose my wallet
Because I will be the picture of of discipline
Never fucking up anything
And I'll be a good defensive driver
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I'll never be the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
When I'm old I am beautiful
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over
Not like me now
I'm so busy with everything
That I don't look at anything
But I'm sure I'll look when I am older
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could be that person now
But that's not what I want
But that's what I wanted
And I'd be giving up somehow
How strange to see
That I don't wanna be the person that I want to be

And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren't really happening
And when they put me in the ground
I'll start pounding the lid
Saying I haven't finished yet
I still have a tattoo to get
That says I'm living in the moment
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could win this, win this fight
But maybe it isn't all that funny
That I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny
If I wanna live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all
To think I'll die before I actually see
That I am exactly the person that I want to be

Fuck yes
I am exactly the person that I want to be

Fantastic Friday

It's been a long week, and I've been meaning to blog, but... you know how it goes. I'm not beating myself up about it. Why? Because today is Fabulous Friday! Today it's all about me and my accomplishments and my self-affirmation or whatever.

Today I finished my semester, which seemed unending. It really feels like I started reading Beowulf about a year ago, like it was actually part of another course, but no - that was just a really really long course. It feels like I was stressing about doing the moon/constellation observations for much longer than I did, but no - it was just about 3 weeks ago that I finished and turned in the last of them.

I think that making my final decision to stop after my 4 Year 2 Year Degree is finished opened a wormhole somewhere. I'm okay with it.

And I still have a 4.0, so go me!

Thus Endeth Fabulous Friday.

It was a busy week finishing up, and I had great ideas for blogs but forgot them, all but one - a navel-gazing discussion of all the awesome things about waiting at a remote bus stop alone at 7AM. Being able to sing along with your iPod was in the top 5.

This weekend is The Kid's next-to-last Madrigal Dinner performance at her school. Madri-what you ask? They really do it up right, with all the kids in costume and the cafeteria totally transformed. It's like the ultimate school play/choir/orchestra/band performance. One of the things that sticks out for me is that they make/pass out Wassail, a traditional mulled drink. It's delicious, but the question is...

Is it pronounced Wahs-ale? Or is it Wahs-uhl? It's a mystery for the ages.

Thus Endeth The Blathering

(Oh, British Literature.)

I'll just leave this in closing; if you haven't seen The Avengers yet, well... what are you waiting for??

Kraft Krazy: The Return

Man the last week of the month is a killer.But now we begin anew! Or something.

So since I missed my Friday Self-Affirmation Fest - and I just know you were dying to read it - in brief, last week I managed to do the following:

• Write one paper and start another which is nearly fully formed.
• Managed to get all of my work done with a smile, and on time, without rushing.
• Ace an Astronomy quiz with a minimum of open-booking.
• Help someone improve their day.
• Help someone move.
• Make a scarf.
• Finish the crowns for Madrigal.
• Paint a picture

Go me! And the semester is almost done, so that's just something extra. I'm trying not to think about the THREE classes I'll be doing next semester, but I feel a lot less stressed knowing that I'm really and truly looking at light at the end of the tunnel.

As the last three on my list up there might indicate, the Kraft Krazy is at last returning. I am trying to have an extravagant Christmas on a shoestring budget as always, and having the first scarf done before December 3rd even dawned has really given a boost to my thinking I can maybe pull it off! Don't burst my bubble. I'm just so glad to be crafting again that I'm not even stressing about it. It seems so silly when written, so first-world-problems, but it's my outlet and one of the things I love to do the most.

Yesterday I got to indulge the painting part of that Kraft Krazy by going to Whimsy Paint-and-Sip in beautiful downtown Erie, CO. Thanks to a Groupon, The Kid's step-grandmother took a few of her daughters and some girlfriends to this fun outing. If you haven't been to one of these places yet, the premise is that everyone in attendance paints the same painting with an experienced artist guiding the way with techniques and suggestions. Add a bar and it's a good time! I managed to down a healthy dose of Stranahan's and Coke before starting, which may be why I was less OCD than normal.

I had fun playing with acrylics, but the flowers not so much. We were encouraged to put our own spin on things and explore color - you can see the big difference between mine and their example! It's not necessarily better or worse, just different, which made it fun and relaxing - no competition.

 

Mine and Theirs

Some of their selections are really not my taste (overly whimsical animal scenes and the like), but there are definitely a couple I'd like to try in the future!

If there's a paint-and-sip type place near you, I highly encourage you to try it out. We had a woman with us who had literally never picked up a brush, and hers came out beautifully.

Dumb Ways To Die

Not giving up, I promise! It's just a very busy week this week...last bit of school for the semester (THANK GOD), plus the last week of the month at work is always the worst.

So I'll just leave these here.



This one's even better, thanks NASA Curiosity Mars Rover! (It has its own Facebook page.)

Recovering

Missed yesterday, but I have a note from my migraine! Nothing like coming back after a 4-day weekend and being hit by a truck (figuratively speaking).

Thanksgiving was a great break. It was lovely to have my mom in town for it this year, to cook the full meal (and have it be successful), to spend a great weekend. Really what more could I ask?

We were equally successful in surprising my mom with tickets to the Boulder Philharmonic/Boulder Ballet production of The Nutcracker. We had seats I thought might be a little far to see well (though the music was the main point), but as it turns out we loved being able to see more of the scenery than we would have face-on.

Held in CU Boulder's Macky Auditorium, the production was a full one, with all the traditional sets one associates with Nutcrackers past. There were some slightly modernized dresses here and there (which is understandable - nothing like trying to plie in a hoop skirt). The auditorium itself, though, was amazing to see. It was built during the early 1900s, one of the original buildings on the CU Boulder campus. Though I work on campus, I don't get off the farm much and had never been inside.

I think my favorite part was all the wood - it reminded me of churches and buildings of my youth in Chicago. That's not surprising since Macky himself was part of the design process and came from a big city himself, New York. They have a few old buildings there too, so I'm told.

So that was fun! Unfortunately it preceded a trip to the airport in the morning to take my mom home - too soon, and it was a long and boring day since The Kid was at work and I was left to my own devices. Good thing Supernatural is on Netflix. Dean Winchester can make anyone feel better.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Well I'm certainly thankful this year, more so in the last few weeks than in a long time which is a great place to be.

I'm thankful to have had the chance to break on through from the funk I was in, and find light waiting on the other side.

I'm grateful my mom was able to come and visit for this holiday; any chance is welcome.

I'm grateful for a daughter who is everything anyone could want in a kid and a friend.

I'm grateful for a boyfriend who is infinitely patient and loves me even though I'm a total spaz about 80% of the time. Maybe even because of that.

I'm grateful that our President is still going to be our President for the next four years.

I'm grateful to have a job, and a roof over my head, and food in the fridge - even though sometimes it's less than others there's always something.

I'm grateful for my entire family, even my crazy-ass uncle who watches Fox news.

I'm grateful for friends both old and new, the extension of that family.

I'm grateful for you, dear readers, who were still here hanging out when I finally pulled my head out of my rear end.

I'm grateful for so many things, but most of all I'm grateful for the chance to learn and explore and experience freely - I wish the same for everyone on this crazy spinning ball of rock.

Love to all of you; no posts until Monday but not because I'm giving it up, only because of the turkey coma I plan on wallowing within.

Rant: Bieber Fever, or Pretty Is As Pretty Does

Today's blog topic brought to you by The Kid, who liked one song one time, but she swears she didn't know who it was. 

I do not have Bieber Fever. I find him to be repellant in every way, from his terrible songs to his ridiculous outfits.

*barf*

But who am I to judge? I've certainly had my share of boy-band (sort of - they were bands of boys) crushes - Duran Duran, Depeche Mode, The Cure - and they have certainly not been terribly attractive to all who beheld them.

 Robert I think there's something living on your head.

My idols may have been unattractive to others, almost as unattractive as New Kids on the Block were to me then, and Justin Bieber is to my daughter now, but it's not just about looks. I could forgive Bieber for looking like a total tool 100% of the time if he played an instrument, or wrote his own lyrics. I could have even gotten on board with NKOTB if they had taken the time to put the work in beyond just showing up for choreography practice and making sure their jeans were artfully ripped. I'm sure they worked hard, but at what exactly?

Some say that those of us who eschew pop acts like Bieber are simply being too-cool-for-school, but I disagree. I never made fun of Hanson specifically because they played instruments and wrote songs (though I did tease my friend Christine for loving them, but only because she was old enough to be their mother). The same is true for modern acts like Taylor Swift and the Jonas Brothers - they may not be your cup of tea or mine, but they are at least making music that is their own creation. Hell even the Monkees played instruments, and they were created by a music company. So I guess it's really not a matter of "I don't like popular things" so much as it is "I don't care for blatant artifice."

This is not to say, of course, that I don't love a good mindlessly manufactured pop tune - I'm a big fan of Katy Perry (though even there, her humor is her art - that is not a girl who takes herself too seriously). I just believe it goes beyond whether or not you're listening to what's on the Top 100 as a teenager; I believe it translates to life in general, and whether or not you believe only what you see, or if you look deeper than the surface.

It's not about being hipper-than-thou, it's about choosing based on lots of parameters, and that's a good habit to be in no matter what you're choosing in life, from what you eat to what you watch on TV to what kind of exercise you do to who you pick for President and everything in between.

It's okay to indulge in junk now and again (see my love of Twilight movies, for example), but it should be the exception and not the rule in my very humble opinion.

/rant

Thank you, gentle readers, for sticking with me. I'm so glad to be back.

Go Bears!

Like the new blog style? I figured if I was going to really rededicate myself I'd fluff it up a little. More than anything else my verbosity has not diminished while I've been languishing in academia, so I was looking for something with a wider space in which to blather.

Saturday found us taking a tour of the University of Northern Colorado. "Not too big, not too small" seems to be one of their selling points, and I would have to agree. It's walkable, but there's a bus that takes students from one end to the other if hoofing it is not an attractive option. Student activities and non-academic life is given importance at UNC, though the classes are top-notch and the programs are rigorous. The rec center is amazing - and they can use it freely, no need to buy a membership. Same goes for games, all students can attend any games for free - The Kid is a school-spirit kind of girl so she likes that.

Our tour guide Joe was extremely amusing, and we wish him luck as he pursues his dream on the Great White Way.

It's spendy, but we knew that it would be. However, thanks be to her grampa who is helping pay for about half. Without him she'd still go but we would end up much further in debt! We're going to work hard at financial aid options and hope for the best there.

We are going to tour the other two state schools The Kid is interested in (School of Mines and Colorado Statue University) but I think she's more or less settled on being a Bear.

 Fear the claw. FEAR IT.

Speaking of school, I'm feeling really good about my decision to not continue for a while after I finish up the AA. When I'm ready, though, I may pursue UNC myself - they have great programs for working adults to finish BAs in the subjects I like, including education. So we'll see, but I'm not making it a priority for now and that's okay.

The rest of the weekend was spent cleaning and spending some much-needed time with TR just relaxing and having a great lunch at Tocabe, an American Indian restaurant that serves Indian Tacos. If you've never had one at a state fair, an Indian Taco is a nice round piece of fry bread covered in stuff of your choice. My favorite at Tocabe is the ground bison with chili beans, lots of lettuce and cheese, their hottest salsa, and a little onion and tomato and sour cream. The best is to then take this mess and absolutely drown it in hot sauce. TR likes his chimichanga-style, with the toppings all tucked into the fry bread before the frying commences.

And now I'm hungry.

Funny story, the first time TR and I went there, we were both raving about the hot sauce to the point that we decided to see if we could buy some, sure that it would be good on everything but apple pie (and even then). I went up and asked and they were very sweet about not laughing as they said "Oh it's just Louisiana Hot Sauce."

Well played, Tocabe.

Fantastic Friday: Me Me Me

I'm not counting my chickens yet but every journey starts with a two blog posts in a row, or something like that. I seem to remember themes being helpful in keeping me motivated to post, so hokey or not here they come.

In the spirit of my little manifesto yesterday, I'm implementing #4 on The List by instituting Fantastic Friday.

I'm going to take each Friday as a day to be selfishly, slavishly devoted to myself and talking about my accomplishments. I have the bonus of a backlog of things that have been accomplished (few, but they're there) over the last couple of years, so it's not going to be too hard to pull this off for a few posts - after that I'll have to work a little harder to praise myself, but maybe by then it will have gotten easier.

I will work really hard not to care whether or not I sound arrogant. Maybe I need to be a little more arrogant. Maybe I need to show the world something I've done and not temper it with "oh it wasn't that great" or "it wasn't that hard" or "it's only okay" or "it could be better." I always do that and it's a bunch of crap.

I will revel in any praise I receive by saying "Thank You" or "I'm Glad You Like It."

Today's offering is an embroidered Dia de los Muertos skull I made for my friend as a combination wedding/birthday gift. I worked really hard on it, for hours and hours. I spent a lot of time choosing colors that would work well together. I satin-stitched this to within an inch of its life - the skull itself is not blank fabric, but carefully done white work. It's gorgeous and its recipient displays it proudly. Not only that, it was selected by a cultural center in New Mexico to be part of its photographic display of Dia de los Muertos art.

I think it's really beautiful.

Have a wonderful weekend... I will absolutely see you Monday, with tales of The Kid's tour of her future college.

So Far Away From Me: Passion and Change

I haven't blogged in months of course, this is not news. The reason for my blog's semi-coma  has been, of course, that I finally started school a couple of years ago - almost three now, hard to believe.

Just lately I've discovered something distressing, however...

This is not what I expected it to be.

Last night a long string of sad and frustrated moments seem to have come to a head, and I realized that I have almost totally lost my passions in life. Not just for school, but for everything that I used to be passionate about. I used to blog, to craft, to read fiendishly. I used to devote tons of time to others, to talk to my mom almost daily, to spend time with friends and TR as a main portion of my life. I used to feel as worthwhile as everyone else, that I had finally gotten rid of my teen angst bullshit and need to fit in.

Now?

I don't blog anymore, because all of my writing juju seems to be taken up with research papers and discussion posts. (Interesting side note, the debate over whether Pluto should still be a planet was more intense than the one over climate change during an election year.)

I barely craft anymore. It seems so insignificant - oh poor Mimi with her lack of time for leisure arts - but for me it means I see beauty I want to create and am held back.

I haven't made it through a novel in a couple of years now, Stephen King books excepted.

I used to spend time with friends, but now it feels like all of my friends live so far away they may as well be in other states between school and work and Kid schedules the way they are; taking 3 hours to drive 40 minutes, have dinner, and drive 40 minutes home is next to cripplingly impossible. My close-by friends are either once-a-cycle-turn Pagan people who have their own lives to live (we are strangely only close at those gatherings) or friends who themselves have gone through changes - new jobs, new love, new life - and now no longer have any time for anything outside that. Of course, that's my lot too - it's not a judgement, just kind of a realization. It helps to remember that it's nothing to do with me, it's just how it is.

I used to talk to my mom every day. She's in a job now where she can't talk to me while she works, which used to be our connection point, but now I can't get her on the phone most times - when I can, she's working on something or is simply busy. I don't blame her, I understand it, but I hate suddenly realizing I haven't talked to her in weeks because I've been so busy those weeks have gone by in a flash.

I used to be able to move heaven and earth to see TR any time I could; I would go over on weeknights just to have a little time together. Now work has me so exhausted, school and Kid obligations have me so compacted, that I barely get to see him on weekends for more than twelve hours at a time. I miss his physical presence so much, though thankfully we talk much more now than we did when I started school - daily instead of a few times a week - so there at least I've found a happy medium.

Somehow among all this, perhaps because I'm feeling the loss of socialization and have not yet interpreted it, I have devolved into someone that places their worth in the hands of whether or not the cool kids want to be friends. It's not their fault, they are who they are, it's a reaction to the realization that I'm sooooo dull these days. I do things like complain about how WAHHHH NOBODY WILL HANG OUT WITH ME while simultaneously making myself so unattractive to talk to that of course nobody wants to hang out. I wouldn't want to hang out with me right now either. I wouldn't invite me to parties or gatherings unless I really needed a party pooper. And I hate that I have become like this.

What happened to the confident woman who could walk into a room and talk to anyone? Now I'm so afraid of looking foolish that I just find the nearest corner and observe instead.

Last night TR was telling me about this fantastic person he's befriended, who has a knack for inspiring introspection about one's passions. Apparently he can do it remotely, because here I am, working out the reasons that I seem to have changed so drastically. What I suddenly realized, and sobbingly so, was that I have almost no passion left.

School has sucked it all out of me.

Maybe it's because you really can't go back to school after twenty years and expect to be a bright-eyed learner, but I also think that I had unrealistic expectations of what school would be like. I hoped to have scorchingly awesome discussions about the nature of literature in these classes - instead I'm worn out from reading Paradise Lost, and nobody will even respond to my carefully crafted posts so the discussions are nonexistent. School has also, and this is going to sound weird, made me think too much. I was probably more interesting before I started being a fun-sucker who blows astrology out of the water by quoting astronomical fact.

I wanted school to be the answer; for many it is, but for me it's become only a burden, and not even a means to an end. I was foolish to think I could do anything with a bachelor's degree except pad my resume - that's some expensive padding right there. I'm truly thinking that I might just finish the AA degree and call it good. This might disappoint some, but I don't think it will disappoint me. I used to think it wouldn't be good enough, that an AA degree was only a halfway point, that I wouldn't celebrate it's completion, but you know what? I think I may throw myself a graduation party and be done. Those who it disappoints will have to just bite their tongues, or risk a serious bitching out by yours truly.

I can't wait for it to be over. I want my life back. I'm so afraid, though, that when I'm done... my life as I knew it will be pretty much gone, and I'll be faced with more changes, a new world I don't recognize, and a new life with nobody to need me for anything because they've learned so well how to get along without me as I've been spinning my wheels trying to get some traction. (Metaphor!)

School's ability to drain me dry has resulted in me having no passion for much except where it concerns The Kid and TR - I am still passionately dedicated to both, but my demonstration of such has been severely lacking. They're more and more finding themselves not needing my help or input. I'm so glad they're both doing so well, that they're both finding themselves and their happiness, but I feel so left in the dust to fend for myself, and ashamed because I know it's my own fault that I feel like that. I feel so left out of the picture, an afterthought or an obligation, but again - it's my fault, not theirs. If this is the new normal, I need to redouble my efforts to salvage what's left to me. I don't want to lose either one of them to my lack of time and passion for life.

So here it is... my grand plan

1. I am going to really, really try to start working things into the mix that are for my own pleasure. If I'm going to be a supporting satellite now instead of a gravitationally powerful planet, I'd better have something to do while I orbit and wait for the sun to shine on me when my influence comes around again for a while. (Oh, Astronomy.) While my loved ones are out living their lives without me, I don't want to sit and cry in my soup feeling left out. I have to make my own way. That means that if I get C's in school then so be it; I need to finish one goddamn project thank you very much. Just one. Just like, a whole scarf or something. I need to go take an art class that isn't online or something. Maybe I'll just own my craft nerd status and join a knitting club.

2. In the same vein as finding my things to do since I am less necessary than I was, I am going to learn to accept that The Kid is going to college and is going to no longer need me to take care of her. She'll always need me to be her mom, but I must teach her at least to clean a toilet and make more than just spaghetti and do her own FASFA and such. I won't feel like I'm ready to let her go until I know she won't suffer if I'm not right there. I am going also to learn to accept that TR has found new direction and just be happy for him instead of feeling like if I'm not part of it I am fading from his favor, that if I don't grow in the same direction he does and do the things he does that he'll lose interest in me. I am going to learn to accept that I don't have to keep up to be loved. I hope I'm right about that one; I'm betting the farm on it.

3. I'm going to remind myself that maybe I didn't know about Fun Fact A, or I wasn't invited to Gathering B, but that it's okay and not because I'm not cool enough or worth knowing. Maybe I haven't heard from people lately because they're busy with their own stuff, not because they don't like me. Hell, maybe they miss me too. Maybe it's up to me to send out the olive branch or invite myself along if I really want to be there. Maybe I should stop waiting for the way I think things ought to be to come to fruition, and either accept that it's not going to happen or MAKE it happen.

4. In that spirit, I'm going to try to remind myself how totally frakkin' awesome I am. Daily. Because you know what? I am kind of fantastic, and it may sound arrogant but so what. If nobody else is going to be my cheerleader then it's up to me. I can crochet you a house. I can sew 80 felt crowns to utter perfection in a week. I know how to cook a turkey without looking up directions. I wrap presents with mathematical precision. I raised an amazing kid, and whether or not someone thinks I did it wrong or strangely does not matter. I can type faster than anyone I know. I taught myself almost everything about what I'm good at doing, mostly through my interpretive abilities. No amount of cool factor in someone else should be able take those facts away from me, even if they think it's uncool, and if it means I have to list my accomplishments to myself in order to remind myself of who I am and what I'm worth, then so be it. So back to blogging - I'm going to get back to boring the universe with my thoughts and lists of accomplishments.


Is it too late? Do I still have a chance to grow back my ladyballs? Or do I now find myself having to make the choice between New Life A where I'm a sad sack who pushes others away and ends up alone and New Life B where I drive myself crazy trying to fit a mold?

I used to think I had all the answers, I used to think I was pretty smart and intuitive, but I'm so not myself anymore I honestly don't know how to solve this yet except to try and implement 1-4 up there and stop trying so hard to please everyone but myself out of fear.

I want to stop being a slave to my past hurts and insecurities.

So say we all, I know.

OH HAI

Yeah I've been gone so long I don't even know how to use Blogger anymore. Awesome.

Just checking in to say the last 6 months have been insanity deluxe; school... work... The Kid's school work... I don't even remember what we did for Christmas really, other than a week in Nashville which was mostly fantastic except for that small nervous breakdown I appeared to have on the way home. Luckily I'm really good at internalizing! I love Nashville, by the way...what an amazing place!

Upon return I discovered Pintrest; it's like blogging for lazy people. PERFECT! For example, the trip to Nashville? Well it *could* have been an exhausting rundown, but instead it's a steam-of-consciousness picture page. I love it!

http://pinterest.com/curegirl0421/what-i-did-in-nashville/

So let's see, what else.

I'm coming up on 3 years now with TR, which is amazing and life changing. I was just telling someone the other day how truly grateful I am for him, and our time so far (mayitbeneverendingamen). I've grown as a person, which is a total cliche but in this case entirely true. I started out unsure of myself; he's been patient while I figured it out. I've run the gamut of feeling like it was going to end any minute to - thankfully - a place of trust that he's not going anywhere. I feel safe with him in a way I've never felt in my life; I trust him in a way I've only ever trusted one other - The Kid.

Just recently he had a bit of surgery, nothing serious but it's been nerve-wracking for both of us. I want to be there all the time but I still have to care for my own house and life, but more than that it's just been such a long process. I have a new-found respect for those who have to deal with extended illness - it's fucking exhausting for both the sick person and the people caring for the sick. Thankfully there's now light at the end of the tunnel (knock wood) and by this weekend he should be feeling a LOT better, and I'm looking forward to that not just because I'm so exhausted but because it's so soul-scorching to watch this strong man be laid so low. Of course I never would have chosen to not be there. I wouldn't want him to keep me at arm's length again to spare me the pain,which is why I hid most of what I was feeling about it and simply tried to be buoyant for him.

The Kid is doing pretty well; the aches and pains are still kicking around and still undiagnosed. I don't know what to do for them really. We've been to all the proper doctors, but so far nothing has come up. Her jaw, her back, her hips and ankles and feet - everything hurts. She's a trooper, never complaining much, but I'm frustrated at the lack of medical assistance. She has another doctor's appointment soon - she's really too old for a pediatrician anymore at 16 but it's the way it is; hopefully she can help us this time, otherwise it's acupuncture time.

The Kid is now looking at colleges, too, which makes me feel proud and old and excited and terrified. I know she'll do fine; letting her take control of her own high school work has gotten her nothing but A's so I don't think I need to worry. I don't know how we'll pay for it yet but we'll figure it out; as my friend Nova puts it, loans should be gotten if possible, and used until you get to a place you can finish up and be able to afford the payment, and don't worry about the totals even while you work for scholarships and Federal aid. "Think of it as buying a house in the Hamptons you'll never visit." Well said.

As for my own schooling, I'm plugging along, still with a 4.0 average but it's undergrad work so I'm not bragging. I'm partway to my very own house in the Hamptons myself with about 7K in loans. I'm planning on dialing back the loans next year, but I'm not really worrying about it much. I just want to get it done. I still question whether or not it makes sense to continue past my four-year 2-year degree but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. As it stands I love the classes even when I don't LOVE my classes; I love learning new things and having a steady stream of things to do.

I'm taking the summer off, though, I think - I might take one class (we'll see how the money pans out) but I might just hang out until Fall. It'll give me time to craft/crochet/knit, something I do very rarely these days...

If anyone's reading, happy Spring and I hope this finds you well! This is mostly for me now, which is probably as it should be.

/brain dump complete