Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Great Ideas

You know I have the best ideas for blogs when I'm on the bus.

Driving along, looking out the window, listening to ponderous music... there are deep thoughts.

Unfortunately I don't remember them later. It's too bad there's not some sort of mental uplink app, though on second thought it's really a very good thing there isn't or you would hear some really weird shit.

Like the idea that the Pink Floyd song "Learning to Fly" was a psychic connection to TR when I was 10 and he was 15. I was weirdly obsessed with that song and never knew why, then learned much later in life that he was learning to fly. Is this a real thing? Obviously not (well you never know) but these are the things that go through my head.

It's like a mental version of the "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" books. We've explored this before (I was going to start a band and thought better of it), the way my mind works.

I'll start thinking of love at first site, for example, and begin considering the first moments with the few boys and men I've loved (or thought I loved) in my life. Like August, who looked just like the very young and unknown Christian Bale in Empire of the Sun, and who was the first boy ever to be casually cruel to my heartstrings. Like PJ, who stole my heart with his smarts but turned out to be a very confusing person in general, and who caused me much distress. Like Carlos, who I never really knew at all but who I will always love just a tiny bit. Like Greg, who was the first to truly, deeply break my heart.

Then I'll start thinking about the one I actually married, who I never even liked very much. I don't regret him though because of The Kid. She was why I was with him.

And now, in my twilight years (no not really though sometimes it feels like it) I seem to have finally found that one dude who I can I honestly say I know well enough to love. And I do love him, not in a girly fluffy way (though he still has the power to give me butterflies) but in a real, lasting, trust-based, enduring way.

Also he's pretty hot.

Especially in a tux.

I love being a grownup sometimes. Sometimes I hate it, like when I feel helpless even though I'm supposed to be an adult, or broke even though I'm practically 40, but sometimes I love it.

I'm going to be an excellently badass old lady.

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