Reflectivity

Yeah so much for that weekly blog! Oh well, I do my best - and sometimes my best means not having time to blog.

So today is about 6 weeks since the year turned, and in that time my daughter has turned 17. I managed to throw her a pretty decent party in spite of myself (I do tend to overplan, don't I). Some faulty weather reporting kept us from doing what we really wanted - Benihana! - but we had a good time anyway at a great place called Martini's Bistro. Yummy food, and every one of them got Shirley Temples. I'm so glad they still know what those are; they remind me of my grandmother.

School is.... going. Just going. And I'm okay with that. I'm so pleasantly not stressed about it; I do wonder what my grades will look like, but I'm getting everything done so I'm not really worried. Deciding to stop after the AA is done was one of the best decisions I've made in a while. I'm even crafting again! There's are babies on the way for two of my favorite people; my sister is due in about a month so her blanket is first, but my good buddy S is also getting ready for a little girl in June... owls are the theme. Do you know how much I can do with that? It's going to be startling. I was thinking of a mobile, something in felt - I'll make something for her big brother, too, so he doesn't feel left out.

We're falling rapidly toward our European trip and I'm so happy that TR is willing to be our Clark Griswold; I suck at planning trips. (At least you know you'll get a decent blog out of me after that - OH THE PICTURES.) I really can't wait; I feel like I've been to these places a million times, in movies and books and my dreams, and I'm really excited to experience them for real.

I had a strange confrontation at work with the someone, but again my new empowerment seemed to have worked in my favor. Instead of feeling defeated, I confronted the situation, let the appropriate people know in as constructive a way as possible - then moved on (other than reporting it here - this is a brain-dump post after all). The basics are that she does not know what I do with my time, thus she has decided I do nothing with my time. This has made her resentful and petty (on top of already being prone to temper tantrums). It should be noted that it's not just me who has had this kind of run-in; while I knew I was in the right, I can't lie - that made me feel better. There will always be a part of me that assumes it's all on me, I guess. I wouldn't give that up, it lets me analyze more thoroughly to see all the possible angles, but I'm glad that those negative angles are no longer winning.

Burning Man is appearing again on the horizon; I am once again not going for all the same reasons (time, money, time, energy, time) but I'm trying to gear up to not have those jealous feelings this time and just exist next to it instead of trying to be in it somehow in order to be close to TR.

Yes, TR talks about it all the time, talks about the people like they are the most important people he knows - but he's told me time and again that I don't have to keep up with those folks. I have to just believe him, believe that I don't have to be able to pull off a tiny leather bikini, or be able to hula-hoop, or spit/spin fire, or be comfortable topless in public like it's not a thing - or even be at Burning Man at all - to be acceptable to him, to be loved by him, to be wanted. Even if many of his tales revolve around fabulous people to whom I could never compare myself, I have to believe that he is not comparing me to them either. At least I hope not. If  he is, well... I am who I am.

Yes, I will always be on the outside of the experience, looking in - I have learned that whether I never go or I go 10 times, someone will always have gone longer than me and think I don't get it because I wasn't there. I have to be okay with that and not take it personally. I have learned that my experiences are often as mind-blowing to them as theirs are to me - I'm not boring (usually). I've learned that if I go I will have to be there because I want to be; if I try to impress anyone I'm just going to be pissed off. Love me or leave me!

Remind me of that when I start getting crabby in July, ok?