Reflectivity

Yeah so much for that weekly blog! Oh well, I do my best - and sometimes my best means not having time to blog.

So today is about 6 weeks since the year turned, and in that time my daughter has turned 17. I managed to throw her a pretty decent party in spite of myself (I do tend to overplan, don't I). Some faulty weather reporting kept us from doing what we really wanted - Benihana! - but we had a good time anyway at a great place called Martini's Bistro. Yummy food, and every one of them got Shirley Temples. I'm so glad they still know what those are; they remind me of my grandmother.

School is.... going. Just going. And I'm okay with that. I'm so pleasantly not stressed about it; I do wonder what my grades will look like, but I'm getting everything done so I'm not really worried. Deciding to stop after the AA is done was one of the best decisions I've made in a while. I'm even crafting again! There's are babies on the way for two of my favorite people; my sister is due in about a month so her blanket is first, but my good buddy S is also getting ready for a little girl in June... owls are the theme. Do you know how much I can do with that? It's going to be startling. I was thinking of a mobile, something in felt - I'll make something for her big brother, too, so he doesn't feel left out.

We're falling rapidly toward our European trip and I'm so happy that TR is willing to be our Clark Griswold; I suck at planning trips. (At least you know you'll get a decent blog out of me after that - OH THE PICTURES.) I really can't wait; I feel like I've been to these places a million times, in movies and books and my dreams, and I'm really excited to experience them for real.

I had a strange confrontation at work with the someone, but again my new empowerment seemed to have worked in my favor. Instead of feeling defeated, I confronted the situation, let the appropriate people know in as constructive a way as possible - then moved on (other than reporting it here - this is a brain-dump post after all). The basics are that she does not know what I do with my time, thus she has decided I do nothing with my time. This has made her resentful and petty (on top of already being prone to temper tantrums). It should be noted that it's not just me who has had this kind of run-in; while I knew I was in the right, I can't lie - that made me feel better. There will always be a part of me that assumes it's all on me, I guess. I wouldn't give that up, it lets me analyze more thoroughly to see all the possible angles, but I'm glad that those negative angles are no longer winning.

Burning Man is appearing again on the horizon; I am once again not going for all the same reasons (time, money, time, energy, time) but I'm trying to gear up to not have those jealous feelings this time and just exist next to it instead of trying to be in it somehow in order to be close to TR.

Yes, TR talks about it all the time, talks about the people like they are the most important people he knows - but he's told me time and again that I don't have to keep up with those folks. I have to just believe him, believe that I don't have to be able to pull off a tiny leather bikini, or be able to hula-hoop, or spit/spin fire, or be comfortable topless in public like it's not a thing - or even be at Burning Man at all - to be acceptable to him, to be loved by him, to be wanted. Even if many of his tales revolve around fabulous people to whom I could never compare myself, I have to believe that he is not comparing me to them either. At least I hope not. If  he is, well... I am who I am.

Yes, I will always be on the outside of the experience, looking in - I have learned that whether I never go or I go 10 times, someone will always have gone longer than me and think I don't get it because I wasn't there. I have to be okay with that and not take it personally. I have learned that my experiences are often as mind-blowing to them as theirs are to me - I'm not boring (usually). I've learned that if I go I will have to be there because I want to be; if I try to impress anyone I'm just going to be pissed off. Love me or leave me!

Remind me of that when I start getting crabby in July, ok?

2013

Well here we are, another new year.

This year has been hectic, and full of change, but I think essentially good. Any year where I only have to watch the news and not be in it is a pretty good year, but besides that perspective-level assessment it really has been good.

I've had my ups and downs (so say we all), but the downs have turned around and that's what counts.

I've thought too much about things that didn't matter, but more importantly I've given more thought to the things that do. My revelation a couple of months back has really set me right - I do not regret my decision to stop my schooling after the initial push toward an associate's degree. I also don't regret (though I'm still working on implementation) my determination to be more selfish. So far I haven't done much in that capacity except to be more frank with TR about my feeeeeeelings. I hate talking about them, and so does he (about his, not mine - he's infinitely willing to let me vent), but sometimes it must be done. I'm not great at it, and I seem to have a knack for doing it at 1:30 in the morning so I'm good and tired (thus weepy and incoherent).

I'm so grateful for his patient nature. I truly love that man.

I'm equally grateful that my darling daughter (who is 17 in less than a month what the literal fuck) is willing to listen, though I do try not to burden her too much with human-Mimi stuff that is not standard mother-daughter stuff.

I made some new friends this year and strengthened some budding relationships.

I also let two very old friendships go, and it was not as hard as I thought it would be. I'm still open to those fine women if they ever decide they're ready to have me around again, it was not a bitter thing, but I've accepted that I'm not really part of their lives anymore. It's okay! And not in a martyr-y sort of way!

Day one of my new year determined to eat better was not that great, but day two was much better. Organic banana, organic granola bar, non-fat chai for breakfast, and organic soup and an apple for lunch. Dinner may be leftovers, but they will include fruit and veggies.

And I used my mixer to great success...home-made pizza and cinnamon rolls.

 

The year is off to a good start.