Nobody Will Read This, and That's OK

Dear Facebook:

I hate your "On This Day" feature. So, so much.

When attempting to get over a breakup, for example, even blocking said former person (TR) from your feed doesn't help.

And inevitably, the clever blog post you shared about your first date will pop up.

That really blows.

On the other hand, it did lead me back here, to my long-neglected blog. And as always, I'm writing this just for me, but if you happen upon it - hi howareya.

So since my last update, I did indeed go back to school. I'm nearly done with my bachelor's at last.

The Kid is now 21, and a senior in college herself. She has a steady boyfriend she'll probably marry, and plans to move away to New York - we're both ready.

I got broken up with by TR. It was really, really, REALLY rough. But in the end, it was good.

I met a new guy, Chad - note that this is his actual name, because he's not a weirdo who gets embarrassed by me. (One of the many things I now know TR was all about.) Chad is tall, and handsome, and also married (mostly) to Sara. He's poly, so is she, and so am I as it turns out. I always wondered if it was something I could do and be comfortable with, and it turns out yep, works for me! As with all things, it takes the right combination of timing and people.

Chad has been really healing for me, not because I needed him to be, just because. His calm, his kindness, his total lack of artifice or embarrassment - it's so refreshing. On our first real date I accidentally made a loud noise during a quiet part of the movie (the cup holder was deeper than expected, and my can dropped). I turned to him, aghast, expecting a reprimand - he was smiling as I said "oh god I scared myself," and we laughed about it later. It was no big deal to him, because it was no big deal.

To TR it would have been horrific, and I would have heard about it for days.

One day, when I found myself feeling feelings, I got up the courage to tell Chad about how I was feeling. He told me I was awesome, and beautiful, and that everything was ok. He didn't try to fix it, or tell me how to solve it, just gave comfort and hugs when I saw him again.

TR would have told me he didn't have time for that, or that he didn't want to talk about it. At best he would offered solutions, which is great, but any contrariness to those solutions would have been met with "well, you can do what you want, but..." (in other words, "well go be an idiot then, but don't say I didn't warn you").

TR was kind of a poop. He was often kind, and always tried his best, but after 8 years he couldn't try anymore I guess.

The biggest problem was me - I was so determined to make it work that I sacrificed so much. He didn't ask me to, but I wanted things to work out. I believed that if I put enough effort in, it would pay off.

I won't say this never works, but I will say that with Chad it has been like falling off a log. He is amazing, and I'm a little bit in love - who wouldn't be? He eats my cooking with fervor, tells me I'm gorgeous every day, and never makes me sit on the phone with him (we have literally never talked on the phone). This might sound weird, but to us it's perfect. I hate floundering on the phone, and I always have.

TR would talk endlessly on the phone. Like, for hours. I always said he'd make a good teacher, and I meant it. His ability to orate is beyond compare, and his knowledge base is endless - but I never got used to being talked at.

Really, what I'm realizing is that I never got comfortable with him, because he never got comfortable with me. In 8 years, I never once farted in front of him - I was terrified he'd think I was low class or something. In 8 years, I struggled to say even the simplest of emotional things to him, because he would get this pained look and change the subject.

In 4 months with Chad, I've gotten comfortable enough to be able to laugh during (vigorous, mind-blowing) sex. I told him I think he's amazing, and he said "so are you!" I revealed my weaknesses, and was met with support and comfort.

Is that how people act? Was TR just that odd?

Who knows.

I'm mostly over him, I think. For a while we tried to be friends, at his request, but then he dropped off the face of the earth. I go days without even thinking of him now - except when Facebook lurks.

OK enough rambling for one day. Signing off. Maybe for good, maybe til' later, but suffice it to say...

I'm pretty happy today. And that rocks. Thanks Chad for being the sweetest, most understanding, sexiest man I could have possible wished for. I kinda love you a bit, but you knew that.

Mimi out.

Just for me.

Four years ago I made a decision.

I decided I was going to go to college, because my daughter was starting high school and I figured I'd better put my money where my mouth was.

And so I started at Front Range Community College. Not glamorous, but honest work.

In the four years since then I have learned a lot - some I've kept, some I've let go, but all of which enhanced me. I am able to talk about things I never before understood despite having a fairly solid level of intelligence; some things just can't be replaced by experience and must be taught by those who know the subject matter.

And so now I have a love for the Oxford Comma, a new-found respect for Summer Break, a working knowledge of several subjects in small measure, and I know who Kate Chopin was and why that matters.

I also have a daughter who is about to graduate from high school and who did, as hoped, find inspiration in my attempt at college and is on her way to school in the fall. I have a relationship that is going on five good years and looking to last for a long time to come despite our obstacles.

I've traveled in the world and learned what it means to put myself first.

I could go on but it would only be for myself, but isn't that the point?

So now I have a decision to make. Go on or stop here? Both have their strong points and for once I really don't have a true answer that I'm only trying to justify by considering other options. I'll let the fates decide.

Reflectivity

Yeah so much for that weekly blog! Oh well, I do my best - and sometimes my best means not having time to blog.

So today is about 6 weeks since the year turned, and in that time my daughter has turned 17. I managed to throw her a pretty decent party in spite of myself (I do tend to overplan, don't I). Some faulty weather reporting kept us from doing what we really wanted - Benihana! - but we had a good time anyway at a great place called Martini's Bistro. Yummy food, and every one of them got Shirley Temples. I'm so glad they still know what those are; they remind me of my grandmother.

School is.... going. Just going. And I'm okay with that. I'm so pleasantly not stressed about it; I do wonder what my grades will look like, but I'm getting everything done so I'm not really worried. Deciding to stop after the AA is done was one of the best decisions I've made in a while. I'm even crafting again! There's are babies on the way for two of my favorite people; my sister is due in about a month so her blanket is first, but my good buddy S is also getting ready for a little girl in June... owls are the theme. Do you know how much I can do with that? It's going to be startling. I was thinking of a mobile, something in felt - I'll make something for her big brother, too, so he doesn't feel left out.

We're falling rapidly toward our European trip and I'm so happy that TR is willing to be our Clark Griswold; I suck at planning trips. (At least you know you'll get a decent blog out of me after that - OH THE PICTURES.) I really can't wait; I feel like I've been to these places a million times, in movies and books and my dreams, and I'm really excited to experience them for real.

I had a strange confrontation at work with the someone, but again my new empowerment seemed to have worked in my favor. Instead of feeling defeated, I confronted the situation, let the appropriate people know in as constructive a way as possible - then moved on (other than reporting it here - this is a brain-dump post after all). The basics are that she does not know what I do with my time, thus she has decided I do nothing with my time. This has made her resentful and petty (on top of already being prone to temper tantrums). It should be noted that it's not just me who has had this kind of run-in; while I knew I was in the right, I can't lie - that made me feel better. There will always be a part of me that assumes it's all on me, I guess. I wouldn't give that up, it lets me analyze more thoroughly to see all the possible angles, but I'm glad that those negative angles are no longer winning.

Burning Man is appearing again on the horizon; I am once again not going for all the same reasons (time, money, time, energy, time) but I'm trying to gear up to not have those jealous feelings this time and just exist next to it instead of trying to be in it somehow in order to be close to TR.

Yes, TR talks about it all the time, talks about the people like they are the most important people he knows - but he's told me time and again that I don't have to keep up with those folks. I have to just believe him, believe that I don't have to be able to pull off a tiny leather bikini, or be able to hula-hoop, or spit/spin fire, or be comfortable topless in public like it's not a thing - or even be at Burning Man at all - to be acceptable to him, to be loved by him, to be wanted. Even if many of his tales revolve around fabulous people to whom I could never compare myself, I have to believe that he is not comparing me to them either. At least I hope not. If  he is, well... I am who I am.

Yes, I will always be on the outside of the experience, looking in - I have learned that whether I never go or I go 10 times, someone will always have gone longer than me and think I don't get it because I wasn't there. I have to be okay with that and not take it personally. I have learned that my experiences are often as mind-blowing to them as theirs are to me - I'm not boring (usually). I've learned that if I go I will have to be there because I want to be; if I try to impress anyone I'm just going to be pissed off. Love me or leave me!

Remind me of that when I start getting crabby in July, ok?

2013

Well here we are, another new year.

This year has been hectic, and full of change, but I think essentially good. Any year where I only have to watch the news and not be in it is a pretty good year, but besides that perspective-level assessment it really has been good.

I've had my ups and downs (so say we all), but the downs have turned around and that's what counts.

I've thought too much about things that didn't matter, but more importantly I've given more thought to the things that do. My revelation a couple of months back has really set me right - I do not regret my decision to stop my schooling after the initial push toward an associate's degree. I also don't regret (though I'm still working on implementation) my determination to be more selfish. So far I haven't done much in that capacity except to be more frank with TR about my feeeeeeelings. I hate talking about them, and so does he (about his, not mine - he's infinitely willing to let me vent), but sometimes it must be done. I'm not great at it, and I seem to have a knack for doing it at 1:30 in the morning so I'm good and tired (thus weepy and incoherent).

I'm so grateful for his patient nature. I truly love that man.

I'm equally grateful that my darling daughter (who is 17 in less than a month what the literal fuck) is willing to listen, though I do try not to burden her too much with human-Mimi stuff that is not standard mother-daughter stuff.

I made some new friends this year and strengthened some budding relationships.

I also let two very old friendships go, and it was not as hard as I thought it would be. I'm still open to those fine women if they ever decide they're ready to have me around again, it was not a bitter thing, but I've accepted that I'm not really part of their lives anymore. It's okay! And not in a martyr-y sort of way!

Day one of my new year determined to eat better was not that great, but day two was much better. Organic banana, organic granola bar, non-fat chai for breakfast, and organic soup and an apple for lunch. Dinner may be leftovers, but they will include fruit and veggies.

And I used my mixer to great success...home-made pizza and cinnamon rolls.

 

The year is off to a good start.

Crazy Lazy Hazy Days of Christmas

Sorry I've been slacking... Christmas, guys. It's insanity.

So this year I made approximately 16 dozen cookies. TR's Favorite Oatmeal, shortbread press cookies, plus chocolate chip for The Kid's grampa (special request). Oh then there was Reindeer Food, aka Puppy Chow, aka Reindeer Poop which everyone misheard the first one as/thought was funnier than "food."

I made a lot of goodies. They were my gifts this year, which was kind of cheap but it was that kind of year - and nobody objected.

I did manage to make some Kraft Krazy happen, though, including my new favorite thing - the 2 Hour Cowl. It's a simple one, just a 7-8 rows of double crochet, pick your yarn and go. I can finish one in a day between two bus rides, and I seriously considered creating an Etsy shop around them (I'm still thinking of it actually). I also finished a very cute dragon, plus a pair of mittens I started last year (color work is not my strong suit).

The rest, though, was either cookies or store-bought. I kept saying "oh next year will be better," but you know what? This year was pretty awesome. Despite the lack of several loved ones TR, The Kid, and I all wished were there, we had a great Christmas. I made my egg souffle (though it was a pain this year), we ate all the things, we all loved our gifts (I was extremely spoiled - a fancy haircut, a coat, and a MOTHERF***IN KITCHENAID MIXER Y'ALL), we watched The Hobbit which I saw almost all of (why do I fall asleep at the movies??), and had delicious Chinese food for dinner. Nobody argued, there was no family strife... it was lovely.

I would like to draw your attention to my all-caps excitement up there, though.

This was in a big red-and-white-striped box under our tree (well, near it - we have a tiny tree) since Thanksgiving, mocking me with its mysteries.

This was courtesy of The Kid and her Colorado grandparents. There was a lot of speculation as to the contents of The Box, including rocks, clay tablets, and a full size bust of either Lionel Richie or Sam the Eagle.

Hello, Sam.

I decided I would really love a bust of Sam the Eagle, and so the mixer has been named. It needs a decal or something, but not yet - it's still new and shiny.

In fact it's still in the box.

I'm going to take it out this weekend and make pizza dough. GLORY UNTO THE MIXER.

I hope your holiday was lovely and quiet, whatever holiday it was. Now on to 2013! The Mayan Apocalypse didn't get us, but I can just feel the world's triskaidekaphobics rallying their troops.

Snow

We had our first snow before Halloween; it seemed like it might be a year for bumper-crop snow. Everyone drove like assholes or took the bus (or both - thanks bus drivers) and lamented how their car was no doubt going to end up by the time May rolled around.

Then it was 70 for about 3 weeks solid. In November. Cries of climate change rang through the halls and everyone wondered where the snow was, rending clothes and tearing at hair at the thought of how little snowpack was to be found in the usual neck-deep mountains.

Today? Today it snowed exactly one inch. This apparently was enough to freak everyone out, to cause accidents and elicit sobs of "oh god Winter AGAIN!".

We are never happy, are we!

Thankfully this year I get to take the bus (at least the asshole driver in that case is effective, and I can just sit back and watch). Daughter has taken up driving, and though she doesn't care for snow driving (or night driving, or highway driving, or driving in rain) she'll do it anyway since it's a quick trip to the bus stop and school. Besides, our side of town doesn't get as much snow as the other side does, and even that side is nothing compared to Boulder. The mountains make for strange weather layers.

Long story short...

It snowed today. Just in time for Christmas! Hopefully it will stick around a little bit.

Or it might be sunny and 60 by Sunday.

One never knows around here.

Happy Wednesday!

Great Ideas

You know I have the best ideas for blogs when I'm on the bus.

Driving along, looking out the window, listening to ponderous music... there are deep thoughts.

Unfortunately I don't remember them later. It's too bad there's not some sort of mental uplink app, though on second thought it's really a very good thing there isn't or you would hear some really weird shit.

Like the idea that the Pink Floyd song "Learning to Fly" was a psychic connection to TR when I was 10 and he was 15. I was weirdly obsessed with that song and never knew why, then learned much later in life that he was learning to fly. Is this a real thing? Obviously not (well you never know) but these are the things that go through my head.

It's like a mental version of the "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" books. We've explored this before (I was going to start a band and thought better of it), the way my mind works.

I'll start thinking of love at first site, for example, and begin considering the first moments with the few boys and men I've loved (or thought I loved) in my life. Like August, who looked just like the very young and unknown Christian Bale in Empire of the Sun, and who was the first boy ever to be casually cruel to my heartstrings. Like PJ, who stole my heart with his smarts but turned out to be a very confusing person in general, and who caused me much distress. Like Carlos, who I never really knew at all but who I will always love just a tiny bit. Like Greg, who was the first to truly, deeply break my heart.

Then I'll start thinking about the one I actually married, who I never even liked very much. I don't regret him though because of The Kid. She was why I was with him.

And now, in my twilight years (no not really though sometimes it feels like it) I seem to have finally found that one dude who I can I honestly say I know well enough to love. And I do love him, not in a girly fluffy way (though he still has the power to give me butterflies) but in a real, lasting, trust-based, enduring way.

Also he's pretty hot.

Especially in a tux.

I love being a grownup sometimes. Sometimes I hate it, like when I feel helpless even though I'm supposed to be an adult, or broke even though I'm practically 40, but sometimes I love it.

I'm going to be an excellently badass old lady.

In My Mind And Yours

Sometimes you stumble across something that so perfectly fits, that so flows with and not against you, that you can't help but want to share and say "Look! Look what I found!" - even though you know that people might look at you funny.

Yesterday whilst perusing The Bloggess's site I came upon her post about Amanda Palmer (she of the fabulous eyebrows and even better husband) and a song which she referred to as something that helped her, and others with anxiety.

Here's the thing, y'all. I'm really really anxious. Pretty much all the time. I worry about everything, all the time - that I'll do the wrong thing, that I've already done the wrong thing, that I'll forget something, that I'm sick, that I'm not sick enough to feel sick, whatever. I worry.

I still look for things that have been lost.

I still hope each day that I'll get it right.

That's why I wrote my little missive. I'm tired of feeling like that, yet I can't get past it easily. I wonder who will be disappointed in me even as I'm saying "Fuck em' if they don't like it." I worry that I'll lose what's meaningful to me even as I'm saying "It's just stuff/they can take me or leave me."

I know I'm not alone in this, but it can be so overwhelming sometimes.

Anyway, this is not a "poor me" post in any way - I'm actually feeling really good today despite beating myself up over my failed attempt at daily blogging and making the cookies I meant to make last night.

This post is, instead, to share with you this wonderful song, which I'm almost certain Amanda Palmer wrote about me. And you. And everyone. The fact that it does not in any way say "oh everything's okay now forevermore," but rather says "I'm who I want to be, but am I? And who is that anyway? But like she says at the end... "Fuck Yes! I'm exactly who I want to be!" It perfectly illustrates the round and round that can happen inside our messed up little heads. Maybe she didn't quite mean it that way, maybe for her she really reached a conclusion and stuck with it (she is Amanda Fucking Palmer after all), but that's how I grabbed it.

Those "fuck yes" moments make it all okay for a little while. And that's better than never ever.

In my mind
In a future five years from now
I'm one hundred and twenty pounds
And I never get hung over
Because I will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I'm in
And I will be someone I admire
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I am not exactly the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
In the faraway here and now
I've become in control somehow
And I never lose my wallet
Because I will be the picture of of discipline
Never fucking up anything
And I'll be a good defensive driver
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I'll never be the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
When I'm old I am beautiful
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over
Not like me now
I'm so busy with everything
That I don't look at anything
But I'm sure I'll look when I am older
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could be that person now
But that's not what I want
But that's what I wanted
And I'd be giving up somehow
How strange to see
That I don't wanna be the person that I want to be

And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren't really happening
And when they put me in the ground
I'll start pounding the lid
Saying I haven't finished yet
I still have a tattoo to get
That says I'm living in the moment
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could win this, win this fight
But maybe it isn't all that funny
That I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny
If I wanna live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all
To think I'll die before I actually see
That I am exactly the person that I want to be

Fuck yes
I am exactly the person that I want to be

Fantastic Friday

It's been a long week, and I've been meaning to blog, but... you know how it goes. I'm not beating myself up about it. Why? Because today is Fabulous Friday! Today it's all about me and my accomplishments and my self-affirmation or whatever.

Today I finished my semester, which seemed unending. It really feels like I started reading Beowulf about a year ago, like it was actually part of another course, but no - that was just a really really long course. It feels like I was stressing about doing the moon/constellation observations for much longer than I did, but no - it was just about 3 weeks ago that I finished and turned in the last of them.

I think that making my final decision to stop after my 4 Year 2 Year Degree is finished opened a wormhole somewhere. I'm okay with it.

And I still have a 4.0, so go me!

Thus Endeth Fabulous Friday.

It was a busy week finishing up, and I had great ideas for blogs but forgot them, all but one - a navel-gazing discussion of all the awesome things about waiting at a remote bus stop alone at 7AM. Being able to sing along with your iPod was in the top 5.

This weekend is The Kid's next-to-last Madrigal Dinner performance at her school. Madri-what you ask? They really do it up right, with all the kids in costume and the cafeteria totally transformed. It's like the ultimate school play/choir/orchestra/band performance. One of the things that sticks out for me is that they make/pass out Wassail, a traditional mulled drink. It's delicious, but the question is...

Is it pronounced Wahs-ale? Or is it Wahs-uhl? It's a mystery for the ages.

Thus Endeth The Blathering

(Oh, British Literature.)

I'll just leave this in closing; if you haven't seen The Avengers yet, well... what are you waiting for??

Kraft Krazy: The Return

Man the last week of the month is a killer.But now we begin anew! Or something.

So since I missed my Friday Self-Affirmation Fest - and I just know you were dying to read it - in brief, last week I managed to do the following:

• Write one paper and start another which is nearly fully formed.
• Managed to get all of my work done with a smile, and on time, without rushing.
• Ace an Astronomy quiz with a minimum of open-booking.
• Help someone improve their day.
• Help someone move.
• Make a scarf.
• Finish the crowns for Madrigal.
• Paint a picture

Go me! And the semester is almost done, so that's just something extra. I'm trying not to think about the THREE classes I'll be doing next semester, but I feel a lot less stressed knowing that I'm really and truly looking at light at the end of the tunnel.

As the last three on my list up there might indicate, the Kraft Krazy is at last returning. I am trying to have an extravagant Christmas on a shoestring budget as always, and having the first scarf done before December 3rd even dawned has really given a boost to my thinking I can maybe pull it off! Don't burst my bubble. I'm just so glad to be crafting again that I'm not even stressing about it. It seems so silly when written, so first-world-problems, but it's my outlet and one of the things I love to do the most.

Yesterday I got to indulge the painting part of that Kraft Krazy by going to Whimsy Paint-and-Sip in beautiful downtown Erie, CO. Thanks to a Groupon, The Kid's step-grandmother took a few of her daughters and some girlfriends to this fun outing. If you haven't been to one of these places yet, the premise is that everyone in attendance paints the same painting with an experienced artist guiding the way with techniques and suggestions. Add a bar and it's a good time! I managed to down a healthy dose of Stranahan's and Coke before starting, which may be why I was less OCD than normal.

I had fun playing with acrylics, but the flowers not so much. We were encouraged to put our own spin on things and explore color - you can see the big difference between mine and their example! It's not necessarily better or worse, just different, which made it fun and relaxing - no competition.

 

Mine and Theirs

Some of their selections are really not my taste (overly whimsical animal scenes and the like), but there are definitely a couple I'd like to try in the future!

If there's a paint-and-sip type place near you, I highly encourage you to try it out. We had a woman with us who had literally never picked up a brush, and hers came out beautifully.

Dumb Ways To Die

Not giving up, I promise! It's just a very busy week this week...last bit of school for the semester (THANK GOD), plus the last week of the month at work is always the worst.

So I'll just leave these here.



This one's even better, thanks NASA Curiosity Mars Rover! (It has its own Facebook page.)

Recovering

Missed yesterday, but I have a note from my migraine! Nothing like coming back after a 4-day weekend and being hit by a truck (figuratively speaking).

Thanksgiving was a great break. It was lovely to have my mom in town for it this year, to cook the full meal (and have it be successful), to spend a great weekend. Really what more could I ask?

We were equally successful in surprising my mom with tickets to the Boulder Philharmonic/Boulder Ballet production of The Nutcracker. We had seats I thought might be a little far to see well (though the music was the main point), but as it turns out we loved being able to see more of the scenery than we would have face-on.

Held in CU Boulder's Macky Auditorium, the production was a full one, with all the traditional sets one associates with Nutcrackers past. There were some slightly modernized dresses here and there (which is understandable - nothing like trying to plie in a hoop skirt). The auditorium itself, though, was amazing to see. It was built during the early 1900s, one of the original buildings on the CU Boulder campus. Though I work on campus, I don't get off the farm much and had never been inside.

I think my favorite part was all the wood - it reminded me of churches and buildings of my youth in Chicago. That's not surprising since Macky himself was part of the design process and came from a big city himself, New York. They have a few old buildings there too, so I'm told.

So that was fun! Unfortunately it preceded a trip to the airport in the morning to take my mom home - too soon, and it was a long and boring day since The Kid was at work and I was left to my own devices. Good thing Supernatural is on Netflix. Dean Winchester can make anyone feel better.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Well I'm certainly thankful this year, more so in the last few weeks than in a long time which is a great place to be.

I'm thankful to have had the chance to break on through from the funk I was in, and find light waiting on the other side.

I'm grateful my mom was able to come and visit for this holiday; any chance is welcome.

I'm grateful for a daughter who is everything anyone could want in a kid and a friend.

I'm grateful for a boyfriend who is infinitely patient and loves me even though I'm a total spaz about 80% of the time. Maybe even because of that.

I'm grateful that our President is still going to be our President for the next four years.

I'm grateful to have a job, and a roof over my head, and food in the fridge - even though sometimes it's less than others there's always something.

I'm grateful for my entire family, even my crazy-ass uncle who watches Fox news.

I'm grateful for friends both old and new, the extension of that family.

I'm grateful for you, dear readers, who were still here hanging out when I finally pulled my head out of my rear end.

I'm grateful for so many things, but most of all I'm grateful for the chance to learn and explore and experience freely - I wish the same for everyone on this crazy spinning ball of rock.

Love to all of you; no posts until Monday but not because I'm giving it up, only because of the turkey coma I plan on wallowing within.

Rant: Bieber Fever, or Pretty Is As Pretty Does

Today's blog topic brought to you by The Kid, who liked one song one time, but she swears she didn't know who it was. 

I do not have Bieber Fever. I find him to be repellant in every way, from his terrible songs to his ridiculous outfits.

*barf*

But who am I to judge? I've certainly had my share of boy-band (sort of - they were bands of boys) crushes - Duran Duran, Depeche Mode, The Cure - and they have certainly not been terribly attractive to all who beheld them.

 Robert I think there's something living on your head.

My idols may have been unattractive to others, almost as unattractive as New Kids on the Block were to me then, and Justin Bieber is to my daughter now, but it's not just about looks. I could forgive Bieber for looking like a total tool 100% of the time if he played an instrument, or wrote his own lyrics. I could have even gotten on board with NKOTB if they had taken the time to put the work in beyond just showing up for choreography practice and making sure their jeans were artfully ripped. I'm sure they worked hard, but at what exactly?

Some say that those of us who eschew pop acts like Bieber are simply being too-cool-for-school, but I disagree. I never made fun of Hanson specifically because they played instruments and wrote songs (though I did tease my friend Christine for loving them, but only because she was old enough to be their mother). The same is true for modern acts like Taylor Swift and the Jonas Brothers - they may not be your cup of tea or mine, but they are at least making music that is their own creation. Hell even the Monkees played instruments, and they were created by a music company. So I guess it's really not a matter of "I don't like popular things" so much as it is "I don't care for blatant artifice."

This is not to say, of course, that I don't love a good mindlessly manufactured pop tune - I'm a big fan of Katy Perry (though even there, her humor is her art - that is not a girl who takes herself too seriously). I just believe it goes beyond whether or not you're listening to what's on the Top 100 as a teenager; I believe it translates to life in general, and whether or not you believe only what you see, or if you look deeper than the surface.

It's not about being hipper-than-thou, it's about choosing based on lots of parameters, and that's a good habit to be in no matter what you're choosing in life, from what you eat to what you watch on TV to what kind of exercise you do to who you pick for President and everything in between.

It's okay to indulge in junk now and again (see my love of Twilight movies, for example), but it should be the exception and not the rule in my very humble opinion.

/rant

Thank you, gentle readers, for sticking with me. I'm so glad to be back.

Go Bears!

Like the new blog style? I figured if I was going to really rededicate myself I'd fluff it up a little. More than anything else my verbosity has not diminished while I've been languishing in academia, so I was looking for something with a wider space in which to blather.

Saturday found us taking a tour of the University of Northern Colorado. "Not too big, not too small" seems to be one of their selling points, and I would have to agree. It's walkable, but there's a bus that takes students from one end to the other if hoofing it is not an attractive option. Student activities and non-academic life is given importance at UNC, though the classes are top-notch and the programs are rigorous. The rec center is amazing - and they can use it freely, no need to buy a membership. Same goes for games, all students can attend any games for free - The Kid is a school-spirit kind of girl so she likes that.

Our tour guide Joe was extremely amusing, and we wish him luck as he pursues his dream on the Great White Way.

It's spendy, but we knew that it would be. However, thanks be to her grampa who is helping pay for about half. Without him she'd still go but we would end up much further in debt! We're going to work hard at financial aid options and hope for the best there.

We are going to tour the other two state schools The Kid is interested in (School of Mines and Colorado Statue University) but I think she's more or less settled on being a Bear.

 Fear the claw. FEAR IT.

Speaking of school, I'm feeling really good about my decision to not continue for a while after I finish up the AA. When I'm ready, though, I may pursue UNC myself - they have great programs for working adults to finish BAs in the subjects I like, including education. So we'll see, but I'm not making it a priority for now and that's okay.

The rest of the weekend was spent cleaning and spending some much-needed time with TR just relaxing and having a great lunch at Tocabe, an American Indian restaurant that serves Indian Tacos. If you've never had one at a state fair, an Indian Taco is a nice round piece of fry bread covered in stuff of your choice. My favorite at Tocabe is the ground bison with chili beans, lots of lettuce and cheese, their hottest salsa, and a little onion and tomato and sour cream. The best is to then take this mess and absolutely drown it in hot sauce. TR likes his chimichanga-style, with the toppings all tucked into the fry bread before the frying commences.

And now I'm hungry.

Funny story, the first time TR and I went there, we were both raving about the hot sauce to the point that we decided to see if we could buy some, sure that it would be good on everything but apple pie (and even then). I went up and asked and they were very sweet about not laughing as they said "Oh it's just Louisiana Hot Sauce."

Well played, Tocabe.

Fantastic Friday: Me Me Me

I'm not counting my chickens yet but every journey starts with a two blog posts in a row, or something like that. I seem to remember themes being helpful in keeping me motivated to post, so hokey or not here they come.

In the spirit of my little manifesto yesterday, I'm implementing #4 on The List by instituting Fantastic Friday.

I'm going to take each Friday as a day to be selfishly, slavishly devoted to myself and talking about my accomplishments. I have the bonus of a backlog of things that have been accomplished (few, but they're there) over the last couple of years, so it's not going to be too hard to pull this off for a few posts - after that I'll have to work a little harder to praise myself, but maybe by then it will have gotten easier.

I will work really hard not to care whether or not I sound arrogant. Maybe I need to be a little more arrogant. Maybe I need to show the world something I've done and not temper it with "oh it wasn't that great" or "it wasn't that hard" or "it's only okay" or "it could be better." I always do that and it's a bunch of crap.

I will revel in any praise I receive by saying "Thank You" or "I'm Glad You Like It."

Today's offering is an embroidered Dia de los Muertos skull I made for my friend as a combination wedding/birthday gift. I worked really hard on it, for hours and hours. I spent a lot of time choosing colors that would work well together. I satin-stitched this to within an inch of its life - the skull itself is not blank fabric, but carefully done white work. It's gorgeous and its recipient displays it proudly. Not only that, it was selected by a cultural center in New Mexico to be part of its photographic display of Dia de los Muertos art.

I think it's really beautiful.

Have a wonderful weekend... I will absolutely see you Monday, with tales of The Kid's tour of her future college.

So Far Away From Me: Passion and Change

I haven't blogged in months of course, this is not news. The reason for my blog's semi-coma  has been, of course, that I finally started school a couple of years ago - almost three now, hard to believe.

Just lately I've discovered something distressing, however...

This is not what I expected it to be.

Last night a long string of sad and frustrated moments seem to have come to a head, and I realized that I have almost totally lost my passions in life. Not just for school, but for everything that I used to be passionate about. I used to blog, to craft, to read fiendishly. I used to devote tons of time to others, to talk to my mom almost daily, to spend time with friends and TR as a main portion of my life. I used to feel as worthwhile as everyone else, that I had finally gotten rid of my teen angst bullshit and need to fit in.

Now?

I don't blog anymore, because all of my writing juju seems to be taken up with research papers and discussion posts. (Interesting side note, the debate over whether Pluto should still be a planet was more intense than the one over climate change during an election year.)

I barely craft anymore. It seems so insignificant - oh poor Mimi with her lack of time for leisure arts - but for me it means I see beauty I want to create and am held back.

I haven't made it through a novel in a couple of years now, Stephen King books excepted.

I used to spend time with friends, but now it feels like all of my friends live so far away they may as well be in other states between school and work and Kid schedules the way they are; taking 3 hours to drive 40 minutes, have dinner, and drive 40 minutes home is next to cripplingly impossible. My close-by friends are either once-a-cycle-turn Pagan people who have their own lives to live (we are strangely only close at those gatherings) or friends who themselves have gone through changes - new jobs, new love, new life - and now no longer have any time for anything outside that. Of course, that's my lot too - it's not a judgement, just kind of a realization. It helps to remember that it's nothing to do with me, it's just how it is.

I used to talk to my mom every day. She's in a job now where she can't talk to me while she works, which used to be our connection point, but now I can't get her on the phone most times - when I can, she's working on something or is simply busy. I don't blame her, I understand it, but I hate suddenly realizing I haven't talked to her in weeks because I've been so busy those weeks have gone by in a flash.

I used to be able to move heaven and earth to see TR any time I could; I would go over on weeknights just to have a little time together. Now work has me so exhausted, school and Kid obligations have me so compacted, that I barely get to see him on weekends for more than twelve hours at a time. I miss his physical presence so much, though thankfully we talk much more now than we did when I started school - daily instead of a few times a week - so there at least I've found a happy medium.

Somehow among all this, perhaps because I'm feeling the loss of socialization and have not yet interpreted it, I have devolved into someone that places their worth in the hands of whether or not the cool kids want to be friends. It's not their fault, they are who they are, it's a reaction to the realization that I'm sooooo dull these days. I do things like complain about how WAHHHH NOBODY WILL HANG OUT WITH ME while simultaneously making myself so unattractive to talk to that of course nobody wants to hang out. I wouldn't want to hang out with me right now either. I wouldn't invite me to parties or gatherings unless I really needed a party pooper. And I hate that I have become like this.

What happened to the confident woman who could walk into a room and talk to anyone? Now I'm so afraid of looking foolish that I just find the nearest corner and observe instead.

Last night TR was telling me about this fantastic person he's befriended, who has a knack for inspiring introspection about one's passions. Apparently he can do it remotely, because here I am, working out the reasons that I seem to have changed so drastically. What I suddenly realized, and sobbingly so, was that I have almost no passion left.

School has sucked it all out of me.

Maybe it's because you really can't go back to school after twenty years and expect to be a bright-eyed learner, but I also think that I had unrealistic expectations of what school would be like. I hoped to have scorchingly awesome discussions about the nature of literature in these classes - instead I'm worn out from reading Paradise Lost, and nobody will even respond to my carefully crafted posts so the discussions are nonexistent. School has also, and this is going to sound weird, made me think too much. I was probably more interesting before I started being a fun-sucker who blows astrology out of the water by quoting astronomical fact.

I wanted school to be the answer; for many it is, but for me it's become only a burden, and not even a means to an end. I was foolish to think I could do anything with a bachelor's degree except pad my resume - that's some expensive padding right there. I'm truly thinking that I might just finish the AA degree and call it good. This might disappoint some, but I don't think it will disappoint me. I used to think it wouldn't be good enough, that an AA degree was only a halfway point, that I wouldn't celebrate it's completion, but you know what? I think I may throw myself a graduation party and be done. Those who it disappoints will have to just bite their tongues, or risk a serious bitching out by yours truly.

I can't wait for it to be over. I want my life back. I'm so afraid, though, that when I'm done... my life as I knew it will be pretty much gone, and I'll be faced with more changes, a new world I don't recognize, and a new life with nobody to need me for anything because they've learned so well how to get along without me as I've been spinning my wheels trying to get some traction. (Metaphor!)

School's ability to drain me dry has resulted in me having no passion for much except where it concerns The Kid and TR - I am still passionately dedicated to both, but my demonstration of such has been severely lacking. They're more and more finding themselves not needing my help or input. I'm so glad they're both doing so well, that they're both finding themselves and their happiness, but I feel so left in the dust to fend for myself, and ashamed because I know it's my own fault that I feel like that. I feel so left out of the picture, an afterthought or an obligation, but again - it's my fault, not theirs. If this is the new normal, I need to redouble my efforts to salvage what's left to me. I don't want to lose either one of them to my lack of time and passion for life.

So here it is... my grand plan

1. I am going to really, really try to start working things into the mix that are for my own pleasure. If I'm going to be a supporting satellite now instead of a gravitationally powerful planet, I'd better have something to do while I orbit and wait for the sun to shine on me when my influence comes around again for a while. (Oh, Astronomy.) While my loved ones are out living their lives without me, I don't want to sit and cry in my soup feeling left out. I have to make my own way. That means that if I get C's in school then so be it; I need to finish one goddamn project thank you very much. Just one. Just like, a whole scarf or something. I need to go take an art class that isn't online or something. Maybe I'll just own my craft nerd status and join a knitting club.

2. In the same vein as finding my things to do since I am less necessary than I was, I am going to learn to accept that The Kid is going to college and is going to no longer need me to take care of her. She'll always need me to be her mom, but I must teach her at least to clean a toilet and make more than just spaghetti and do her own FASFA and such. I won't feel like I'm ready to let her go until I know she won't suffer if I'm not right there. I am going also to learn to accept that TR has found new direction and just be happy for him instead of feeling like if I'm not part of it I am fading from his favor, that if I don't grow in the same direction he does and do the things he does that he'll lose interest in me. I am going to learn to accept that I don't have to keep up to be loved. I hope I'm right about that one; I'm betting the farm on it.

3. I'm going to remind myself that maybe I didn't know about Fun Fact A, or I wasn't invited to Gathering B, but that it's okay and not because I'm not cool enough or worth knowing. Maybe I haven't heard from people lately because they're busy with their own stuff, not because they don't like me. Hell, maybe they miss me too. Maybe it's up to me to send out the olive branch or invite myself along if I really want to be there. Maybe I should stop waiting for the way I think things ought to be to come to fruition, and either accept that it's not going to happen or MAKE it happen.

4. In that spirit, I'm going to try to remind myself how totally frakkin' awesome I am. Daily. Because you know what? I am kind of fantastic, and it may sound arrogant but so what. If nobody else is going to be my cheerleader then it's up to me. I can crochet you a house. I can sew 80 felt crowns to utter perfection in a week. I know how to cook a turkey without looking up directions. I wrap presents with mathematical precision. I raised an amazing kid, and whether or not someone thinks I did it wrong or strangely does not matter. I can type faster than anyone I know. I taught myself almost everything about what I'm good at doing, mostly through my interpretive abilities. No amount of cool factor in someone else should be able take those facts away from me, even if they think it's uncool, and if it means I have to list my accomplishments to myself in order to remind myself of who I am and what I'm worth, then so be it. So back to blogging - I'm going to get back to boring the universe with my thoughts and lists of accomplishments.


Is it too late? Do I still have a chance to grow back my ladyballs? Or do I now find myself having to make the choice between New Life A where I'm a sad sack who pushes others away and ends up alone and New Life B where I drive myself crazy trying to fit a mold?

I used to think I had all the answers, I used to think I was pretty smart and intuitive, but I'm so not myself anymore I honestly don't know how to solve this yet except to try and implement 1-4 up there and stop trying so hard to please everyone but myself out of fear.

I want to stop being a slave to my past hurts and insecurities.

So say we all, I know.

OH HAI

Yeah I've been gone so long I don't even know how to use Blogger anymore. Awesome.

Just checking in to say the last 6 months have been insanity deluxe; school... work... The Kid's school work... I don't even remember what we did for Christmas really, other than a week in Nashville which was mostly fantastic except for that small nervous breakdown I appeared to have on the way home. Luckily I'm really good at internalizing! I love Nashville, by the way...what an amazing place!

Upon return I discovered Pintrest; it's like blogging for lazy people. PERFECT! For example, the trip to Nashville? Well it *could* have been an exhausting rundown, but instead it's a steam-of-consciousness picture page. I love it!

http://pinterest.com/curegirl0421/what-i-did-in-nashville/

So let's see, what else.

I'm coming up on 3 years now with TR, which is amazing and life changing. I was just telling someone the other day how truly grateful I am for him, and our time so far (mayitbeneverendingamen). I've grown as a person, which is a total cliche but in this case entirely true. I started out unsure of myself; he's been patient while I figured it out. I've run the gamut of feeling like it was going to end any minute to - thankfully - a place of trust that he's not going anywhere. I feel safe with him in a way I've never felt in my life; I trust him in a way I've only ever trusted one other - The Kid.

Just recently he had a bit of surgery, nothing serious but it's been nerve-wracking for both of us. I want to be there all the time but I still have to care for my own house and life, but more than that it's just been such a long process. I have a new-found respect for those who have to deal with extended illness - it's fucking exhausting for both the sick person and the people caring for the sick. Thankfully there's now light at the end of the tunnel (knock wood) and by this weekend he should be feeling a LOT better, and I'm looking forward to that not just because I'm so exhausted but because it's so soul-scorching to watch this strong man be laid so low. Of course I never would have chosen to not be there. I wouldn't want him to keep me at arm's length again to spare me the pain,which is why I hid most of what I was feeling about it and simply tried to be buoyant for him.

The Kid is doing pretty well; the aches and pains are still kicking around and still undiagnosed. I don't know what to do for them really. We've been to all the proper doctors, but so far nothing has come up. Her jaw, her back, her hips and ankles and feet - everything hurts. She's a trooper, never complaining much, but I'm frustrated at the lack of medical assistance. She has another doctor's appointment soon - she's really too old for a pediatrician anymore at 16 but it's the way it is; hopefully she can help us this time, otherwise it's acupuncture time.

The Kid is now looking at colleges, too, which makes me feel proud and old and excited and terrified. I know she'll do fine; letting her take control of her own high school work has gotten her nothing but A's so I don't think I need to worry. I don't know how we'll pay for it yet but we'll figure it out; as my friend Nova puts it, loans should be gotten if possible, and used until you get to a place you can finish up and be able to afford the payment, and don't worry about the totals even while you work for scholarships and Federal aid. "Think of it as buying a house in the Hamptons you'll never visit." Well said.

As for my own schooling, I'm plugging along, still with a 4.0 average but it's undergrad work so I'm not bragging. I'm partway to my very own house in the Hamptons myself with about 7K in loans. I'm planning on dialing back the loans next year, but I'm not really worrying about it much. I just want to get it done. I still question whether or not it makes sense to continue past my four-year 2-year degree but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. As it stands I love the classes even when I don't LOVE my classes; I love learning new things and having a steady stream of things to do.

I'm taking the summer off, though, I think - I might take one class (we'll see how the money pans out) but I might just hang out until Fall. It'll give me time to craft/crochet/knit, something I do very rarely these days...

If anyone's reading, happy Spring and I hope this finds you well! This is mostly for me now, which is probably as it should be.

/brain dump complete

Wasteland - On Writing

Wow. I look at 2010 and see 15+ posts a month. I look at 2011 and I see... I posted once in August.

That's just sad.

So what have I been up to since August, you ask?

I have no idea. The last few months have just flown by, faster than I've ever personally experienced. School - partly mine, mostly The Kid's - has taken over our lives, and I have barely had a moment to breathe much less write anything that wasn't about art or literature, which sounds all lofty until you realize the truth of the matter...

I'm using up all my writing juice on school.

Now I could be completely pretentious and post my A-work writing, but do you really want to read about what I think of Kate Chopin's feminist views, Theodore Roethke and William Blake's mental illnesses and subsequent genius, or whether or not Shakespeare was a fake?

Probably not.

Nor do you necessarily want to hear about my trips to the Denver Art Museum or the Osmosis Gallery, written for my Art Appreciation class. Well, maybe the DAM one, but only because there are pictures.

The reason you don't want to read these is that they were not written for you - they were written as a means to an end, an answer to a question posed by a teacher. That doesn't make them bad writing, but it does make them boring writing, and I don't want to be dull. Better to go months without a post.

But enough about that, how about an update on me? I'll do it for myself, if nobody else is reading - and who could blame you. Nothing like a dead blog.

Let's see...

I've been re-exploring my knitting "skills"... I use that term very loosely as I have none. I can knit a little, but I am far too impatient for really careful work. That's why I like crochet! I also have fat hands, so I can't do the fast-knitting technique I see others employing. It takes me twice as long to do it that way, and I end up knitting WAY too tightly, though I have tried to make myself just to try to train up. Alas, I'll just have to do it my way!

The Kid has been very active in orchestra this year, and is beginning to think about colleges. Fort Lewis, in Durango CO, is a real contender, although it would mean she was stuck during the winter. It is a bit isolated in that it's in the mountains, across a pass that is often closed for weeks during the winter. It's the modern age, of course - she can always hop on Skype to interact with folks off-campus - but still.

Another contender is UNC - the University of Norther Colorado. Located in beautiful downtown Greeley CO, it isn't quite the town she loves but the school, and the location not too far from home. She'd still live on campus, because the commute can be a real bear in winter, besides the obvious fuel cost issue. In that vein I may encourage her to look at CSU - Colorado State University - because of the fact that there's a bus that runs from along the Front Range and she wouldn't have to drive.

We'll see.

She of course still wants to at least look at Oregon, since she loves it so, but that is kind of a remote possibility.

At any rate, no matter where she goes, she is going to continue her sport - orchestra! We have decided this really is a sport. There are evening practices, special clinics, mandatory performances - if that isn't a high school sport I don't know what is. She can even letter in it!

Speaking of high school traditions, we also ordered her class ring this fall. I always thought it was a Senior Year kind of thing, but I guess not!

One more exciting that that happened this fall - my mom finally got to see The Kid in concert! We planned it as a surprise for Kid, and she was totally surprised indeed. We spent a great weekend driving around and enjoying the gorgeous weather, and though it means we'll be spending the holidays apart, it was worth it to get some real, quality, no-holiday-stress time together.

Oh, and I'm re-learning how to rollerskate.

So that's it! That's pretty much the long and short of what I've been up to, besides the usual - being ridiculously smitten with TR, wishing death on creepy-crawlies, trying to keep afloat of all the bills.

I hope your fall has been good, oh 3 remaining readers - I've missed you.

I May Not Update Often, But When I Do... I Ramble Endlessly.

So my friend Frenzy wrote me today to tell me that she's pregnant - not just pregnant, but 6 weeks out from her due date! She and I were at school together in the long ago - we shared some stuff that we will take to our graves, some stuff we still snicker over on the occasions when we're together, and some stuff that would curl your hair and alter your opinion of the calm (ha), collected (*snort*), together (*deadoflaughing*) person I am today should I share the tales.

I won't.

You're welcome.

I wrote her back and shared the advice that I gave Mrs. Dandy last September - then realized that Peanut is now almost a year old! Unbelievable! And he is so cute, can I just tell you? You should go check out her blog and see. And if you have a baby of your own, you should also check out her baby food blog. I wish it had been around when The Kid was small!

Speaking of The Kid, I'll update you. It's been summer vacation, so not much has gone on of course, but some stuff has.

What The Kid Has Been Doing

Thing one... Derby is now at an end, at least for now. After a particularly nasty, tailbone-jarring fall, we decided it was time to pursue other options. She really loves skating, and Derby culture, but she'll have to be involved some other way - maybe being a ref! Stay tuned, I will *definitely* update you about that sometime within a year of its occurrence.

Thing two... LEARNER'S PERMIT. She has her learner's permit. Holy crap. It's cool, too, and way different than when I was her age! It's a real photo ID, the only difference being that it's sideways for easy spotting of the under-21 crowd. She hasn't been able to practice for a couple of weeks due to my car being in the shop, but yeah. Learner's permit.

Thing three... She's officially dying her hair now. She chose a color called "pomegranate" that actually really suits her. She was always meant to be a redhead I suppose, because even her eyebrows don't give her away. The only tell that she's not a natural redhead is the terrible, terrible streaky coloring that is result of her mother dying her hair for her.

Next time we'll go to a salon. Know thyself.

Other Updates From Mimi's World

I mentioned the car was in the shop. That's because I got rear-ended. In true Mimi fashion, however, I didn't just get rear-ended, I got rear-ended TWICE IN THREE SECONDS. *sigh*

Long story short, I stopped for a fire truck, and the people behind me did not, at least not without my assistance.

The car's almost done at last (3 weeks later), and I'm not paying for any of it thankfully, and nobody was hurt which is most important of all, but still. I am seriously skittish, too, although it's getting better all the time. It doesn't help that I'm driving a beast of a rental. It's sort of grown on me (Ford Edge) but still, it's huge, and apparently at night I have shields up which prevent others from seeing me. Awesome.

Let's see, what else...

TR was away for 3 weeks seeing the final Shuttle launch (amazing) and U2 in Nashville. I got to see them in May, which was amazing. I'd never seen them live before...if you have the chance, try to catch them!

Anyway, while he was gone I watched his cats and house for him. It was weird being in the house without him there, more so than it was when I watched the cats at the apartment. Still, on a hot Saturday it was nice to hang in his cool downstairs, and he very sweetly ordered us remote dinner. The cats were happy, we were well fed, and the house felt full.

This whole summer I've been taking that Intro to Film Arts class I mentioned a few posts back. It's been interesting; the in-class experience has had its positives and negatives, but all in all I will be glad to get back to online-only. My time table is just too weird for the rigidity of Every Tuesday At 6.

Things I've Learned In Film Class

Week 1: Thomas Edison was a bit of a jerk (poor Georges Melies). DW Griffith was a genius, but bat-shit crazy.

Week 2: King Vidor was ahead of his time, but so was everyone else. How did they come up with this stuff?? Vidor, though, was daring.

Week 3: Musicals are still fantastic, and more influential than I realized. We watched Singin' In The Rain, one of my absolute favorites.

Week 4: Orson Welles. You've heard it before, but now I really see it - Citizen Kane was unbelievable! He did things in that film that I'm not sure people have had the dedication to do much since.

Week 5: Russian film after the revolution was terrifying and brilliant and I wanted to see more. We watched The Cranes Are Flying, and all agreed that while we understood the reasons behind the ending, we were way too Westernized to like it much.

Week 6: Television and post-war America radically changed the game, for the better I think, but that's just my opinion. We watched Good Night and Good Luck, which made me angry in all the best ways.

Week 7: German Expressionism has always been hard for me to watch, it's so nightmarish, but now I know why... that was totally the point! Their goal was to be as far from normal as you could get. Nosferatu was weird enough that I still remember the last scene playing on a TV when I was pretty little. Also, Italian Neorealism was really depressing. We watched Bicycle Thieves, which made me really anxious the whole time. I hate chaos in my own life, I can't stand watching it in others' lives. Italian movies always seemed so strange - ever seen Suspiria? - and the reason is that they overdub everything! Fellini was still doing it in the 70s.

Week 8: French New Wave is so far up its own ass I'm amazed they even got enough lighting to finish anything. I appreciate their significance, but... We watched Hiroshima Mon Amour, and I never ever need to see it again. Gah. I get it and everything, but... No.

Week 9: Japanese film is sad even when it's trying to be happy. I think it's the lighting. We watched The Most Beautiful, filmed right before the end of WWII. Kurosawa really was amazing.

Week 10 is tomorrow, the final one for the course. We'll be discussing digital cinema, and watching what from all accounts is a seriously uncomfortable film by Spike Lee, Bamboozled.

The thing I've appreciated most in the whole class is the slice-of-life that old films gave. I hated that French New Wave crap, but it was cool to see glimpses of 1960's Paris. It was amazing to watch the "phantom rides," which were some of the earliest pieces of film, and see Georgetown, Colorado circa 1903. (It looks almost the same, which is interesting.) Even the depressing Italian and Japanese pieces were entrancing because without film we'd only be reading about those places and times.

Film is like time travel that way.

You can see the Georgetown Loop here: CLICK ME!

So yeah! That's what's going on in my world.

Coming Soon

Perhaps a little travel. Could my passport finally get broken in? Maybe!

School continues - Intro to Literature and Intro to Art. I like starting from the beginning with these - as I learned with the English Comp classes, it's not just writing, it's learning how to write for academia in particular. I need to talk to an adviser and make sure I'm taking the right stuff, of course, but it's still early. I waffle now and again on my idea for an English degree, but then I remember all the notes I proof-read in grade school. I was born to edit!

The Kid is starting Sophomore year. Spanish and Art will be new subjects for her this year, and I think she'll really enjoy them!

I'm still on Twitter, by the way... follow me there! Emilio Estevez does, and so should you. No I'm not kidding. Two-Bit is following me, and possibly mocking my pants!

Happy Monday...